Beyond Broken Castle Walls
by eyrianone
Summary: Nine months ago she gave him up at the behest of his daughter, choosing to break herself in order to free him. As dumb ideas go it's the worst one ever. ***Finalist for 'Best Romance' in the 2012 Castle Fanfiction Awards.***
1. Chapter 1

**Title: **Beyond Broken Castle Walls

**Rating:** T

**Summary: **Nine months ago she gave him up at the behest of his daughter, choosing to break herself in order to free him - as dumb ideas go it's the worst one ever.

**Disclaimer: N**othing you recognize is mine.

**A/N: This came out of a dream I had where I appeared to be playing the role of Beckett and I was having this exact conversation with Alexis. Not sure what that says about me apart from the fact that I have a Nathan Fillion obsession ( a fact my husband comments on regularly). Anyway it wouldn't go away, so here is the first part of two.  
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><p>It's been nine months since she last heard his voice anywhere but inside of her own head. In her head he talks to her constantly as her wounded psyche keeps him determinedly with her anyway it can. Sometimes she'll even reply to her mental construct of him out loud, a sure sign she thinks that her grip on reality is slipping.<p>

It took two full months for the initial shock to wear off, time enough for grief to settle into a comfortable numbness that has grown to become an apathy that taints everything. She would say she was miserable, but miserable is at least a feeling, and she doesn't really feel anything at all now, – her self-defense mechanism has always involved shutting 'feeling' down, turning 'feeling' off. Somewhere deep inside she's scared it's a permanent state this time and that she can't come back from it – she doesn't know where her 'on' button is.

Her work is starting to suffer. She's trying, she really is. She works just as hard as she always has, she pushes in just the same way, but she drifts off sometimes when an inner discussion with his voice distracts her and it isn't going unnoticed.

They all see, and that's a problem. She's obviously too thin, she's obviously over-tired, she looks like she'll splinter, crack, fail spectacularly any given moment and in truth she's never been so close to the edge of an abyss in her life.

Rabbit holes she's familiar with – this is different.

Dragging her hands through her hair, she sighs. Her stomach is whining for food it isn't likely to see, she'll appease it with caffeine in lieu as usual, and it's while she's carefully brewing coffee, running her fingers over the espresso machine as if it's a part of him, that the flash of red by her desk manages to draw her eye.

She irrationally fears red hair now.

In this case she's a right to.

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><p>Alexis Castle walks nervously into the Homicide department of the12th Precinct, her insides trembling with emotion because she truly has no idea what kind of reception she's going to find here. Nine months have passed since the last time she saw this place, and that previous visit she'd been convinced it would be the last time she ever set foot in a police station.<p>

There is something comforting in that it all looks just the same. She recognizes some of the faces, doesn't know others, after all it's not like she ever spent much time here, even if it used to be her father's second home. Still, downstairs the desk sergeant remembered her and that was enough to get her up to Homicide unannounced – and Alexis is grateful for that, this is going to be hard enough for her as it is.

She was so sure nine months ago that splitting them up was necessary, that it was for the best. And for the first six months in California she keep thinking her father would come around, so it's taken this long for Alexis to recognize the reality of what she accomplished. Her only hope is that when she finds the person she's looking for, everything Alexis caused to happen - can actually be undone.

Recent events in California have left Alexis facing a bitter conclusion - that her father is broken; and Alexis comprehends now that in Detective Kate Beckett lays the only glue.

Kate watches the young woman fidgeting as she stands next to the empty desk with trepidation. The last time they spoke was the beginning of the 'end of everything' for Kate, and she can't, for the life of her think of anything they could possibly have left to say to each other.

She doesn't blame Alexis – well . . . not really. Losing her mother the way she did, Kate appreciates the younger Castle's fierce attachment to the only 'real' parent she has, she understands how the events of almost a year ago were too much for a girl Alexis' age to handle. The girl needed her father out of harms way, and she did what she needed to do in order to accomplish that. Kate doesn't think Alexis meant to break _her_ in the process, but that is the reality and she can't help but resent Alexis - at least a little bit.

Taking a deep breath and clutching her coffee mug like a shield carried into battle, the detective emerges from the break room and greets her unwelcome visitor with forced warmth she does not feel.

"Alexis. What a surprise . . . are you looking for me?"

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><p>The sound of the detective's familiar tones sends a spike of adrenaline through Alexis' system. She turns towards Beckett's voice and as her eyes lock on Kate's hazel ones they widen in shock at the older woman's appearance. She looks a lot different; in fact she looks almost ill. Pale and now waif-like thin, there are bruise-like shadows under the detective's eyes telling a haunting tale of how well she's faring in this mess. While guilt burns suddenly in the young woman's chest because of it, it also sparks a hope in her that the solution she's come looking for is possible.<p>

The whole journey here Alexis' biggest fear has been that Kate Beckett has put Richard Castle and their whole 'partnership' behind her. Moved on with her life and her surgeon boyfriend, and never looked back. One glance in Kate's haunted eyes, one look at the fake smile plastered on her beautiful face and Alexis knows nothing could be further from the truth.

The red-head feels tears welling in her eyes as she thanks all deities inwardly, and promptly launches herself at the woman her father loves, wrapping her tightly in hug of contrition.

"I'm so sorry Kate." She sobs against the woman's shoulder. "I didn't mean for any of this to happen. I didn't want . . . . I didn't _think_, didn't know what would happen to him, what would happen to you – I'm so sorry."

Stunned Kate stands like a statue – unmoving. Part of her brain screaming that she should wrap her arms around Alexis in response, offer some sort of comfort. But she has no comfort to offer, she has nothing, nothing at all . . . then what Alexis has said registers and the dark-haired detective pulls back.

"What's happened to Castle?" She asks sharply, fear . . . like a thousand knife cuts slicing through her heart.

His daughter steps back, releasing Kate awkwardly, "That's what I came to discuss with you Detective Beckett." Alexis says formally, swallowing her tears she wipes her face with her hands, looking suddenly older than eighteen as she asks if there is somewhere a little more private that they can talk freely.

Kate nods. "Interrogation room one is free." She says, turning away with no further comment and leading the way. Alexis follows and steels herself to just tell Kate everything she came all the way from California to say.

Kate closes the door behind them and tells Alexis to sit. The young woman shakes her head and says she prefers to stand, Kate shrugs and sits herself, watching the girl pace for a full minute in silence before Kate stops her with a question.

"Is he okay?" She asks quietly, unable to keep the slight tremble out of her voice.

Alexis shakes her head. "No. I think he's about as far away from okay as it's possible to get detective. And that's why I'm here - because I did this to him – I did it and now I have to undo it and if neither of you forgive me I'll understand but I just can't – with what he did, I just can't not try and fix this now. I thought it would get better, but it isn't and he isn't and I just . . . I didn't know what else to do." She says in a rush.

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><p>At least one part of this Kate already knows, it's what happened nine months ago, so she starts there. "I know what you did Alexis, you got me to make him leave. You got me to prey on his fears for my safety, to prey on his feelings of responsibility - that my shooting was <em>his<em> fault. Even though I never blamed him for _any_ of it – I used it against him very deliberately to give you what you demanded – your father back. This much I know – so what else is there?" She says, and though she does try to hide it, the bitterness in her voice comes through.

Alexis swallows. All of this is the truth, the truth her father still does not know, but there is more.

"I wanted you out of our lives Kate." She says gently. "But not because I dislike you, not because I didn't understand _why_ my father is so hopelessly in love with you. You're beautiful and strong and you like him for who he is – not what he is. His fame and his money never mattered to you; you didn't see him as a prize to be won. But his relationship with you, his willingness to lay down his life for you, you were dangerous Kate. You were going to get him killed – I could see it happening. He almost died for you the day you were shot, if he'd been seconds quicker it would have been him – not you. I wasn't willing to lose him . . . I know you understand that." Alexis pleads.

Kate nods miserably. "I let him go Alexis. I let him go thinking I hated him." She says.

"I know." Alexis replies. "But he would have fought you Kate, fought to make it up to you. Getting you to let him go wasn't enough – he had to let go too."

The detective starts to see where this is going.

"So you tried that same tactic on him?" She asks.

Alexis shakes her head. "It wouldn't have worked." She says. "I know my father Kate; I've been able to wrap him around my fingers since I was three years old. He has two weaknesses detective, and both of them are in this room. I'd set you up to exploit one vulnerability, and I went after the other. Me. All his fears for me I used, the trauma of seeing you shot, the death of Captain Montgomery. Fears for his safety, fears for my own safety, fears of being alone at college and therefore an easy target to be used against you both, fears for Gram. Then I told him he was a fool to think you loved him, made him believe he could never be what you need. I dumped all of it on him, played the part of little girl lost to the hilt, and I was good Kate – really good, after all, acting is in my genes. I got him so spun around that he was convinced his first duty was protecting me and that he could only do that if he came to California with me. So when you wanted him gone he didn't try to fight it, he didn't protest that he'd promised you he would always be there. He just caved, gave into his broken heart and gave the two most important people in his life what they both wanted."

Open mouthed Beckett stares at Alexis. "The end of our partnership." She says.

Alexis smiles unhappily, tears again swimming in those blue eyes that aren't quite her fathers, they have the shape, but not the darker more vibrant hue of her sire; God how she misses his eyes Kate thinks, her own eyes drifting closed as she fights back feelings that threaten to overwhelm her. Here then is her 'on' button – Castle.

"He misses you so much." She hears Alexis confess around a sob.

Kate opens her eyes and finds Alexis has finally seated herself the other side of the interrogation room table.

"Why are you here?" Beckett asks her. "So he misses me, so he's sad. Just give it time Alexis and he'll meet someone and forget he ever loved me, he'll move on. I gave him up for you, and it's all I can do."

Alexis reaches across the table and takes Kate's hand in hers, gripping her fingers painfully tight.

"You don't understand." Alexis tells her. "You don't know."

Kate sighs. "I don't know what?"

"He isn't living without you detective – it's as simple as that. Oh he's been trying, and that's why I don't . . . why I refuse to believe it was deliberate." Alexis says vehemently, before she continues trying to school her thoughts and explain, "His doctor put him on anti-depressants five months ago, in an attempt to stabilize his moods and to allow him to write again. He got better for a month or two, and then I think he just stopped taking them . . . "

Kate cuts in; everything Alexis is telling her hurts she does not want to hear anymore. "So take him back to the doctor . . . please Alexis you cannot ask any more of me, I can't fix him for you and then give him up again, I won't. You'll just have to give him more time." She says, getting up and tugging her hand free Kate turns to leave.

"Wait." Alexis pleads behind her. "I don't think he has time Kate, I think everyday he slips further away. He's in a coma Kate, he's gone somewhere in his head and he won't come back and you are my only hope now. _Please._"

Stunned Kate stops dead, her hand on the door, her entire frame shaking.

"What?" She gasps.

Turning back into the room she asks. "A coma? How?"

"I told you he stopped taking the medication, there wasn't any in his system, and then something happened, I haven't been able to figure out what, but he started taking it again and he took too many, he mixed them with alcohol and when Grams found him he was barely breathing. It's been a month Kate and the doctors keep telling me there is nothing they can do. He's still in there, he's not brain dead because his scans all show neural activity. He just won't wake up and his doctors just say it's because he doesn't want too.

They say he did this to himself deliberately, that he tried to kill himself - and if I let myself think that for a moment I might just go mad because this is my entire fault Kate. I did this to him, because I took him from you. All he ever did was fall in love, and I let him think he destroyed it – when it was me – when it was all me." The young woman collapses out of her chair and onto the floor, and Kate suddenly finds herself capable of movement again. Squatting next to the youngest Castle and pulling her into her embrace, this time it's Alexis who's too lost to return it.

Fear wars with horror in Kate's head. She's a wreck, and yet she can barely imagine his pain and his heartache and how lonely and guilty and disconnected he must have felt for things to get this far. Castle is strong. Strong and fearless and foolhardy and loveable and she can barely breathe at the thought of the man she remembers, the man she desperately loves losing himself so badly in the wake of losing her, of losing _them._

Her only possible course is to go and get him back.

She tugs Alexis' face up with a hand beneath her chin, forces the girl to meet her eyes.

"When you asked me nine months ago to let him go, you accused me of not loving him the way he loved me. I didn't fight you on it because I was afraid you were right, that I couldn't give Castle back everything he was prepared to give me if I let him. I didn't fight you because you were his child and your claim on him was right, I was too scared to claim him. Too scared of what that claim might mean."

Alexis nods. "And how about now?" She asks almost fearfully.

"He's my life as much I'm his, and I will never forgo my claim to him again Alexis, not for you, not for anyone." The detective replies, standing.

Alexis manages a smile as she struggles to her feet. "So you'll come back with me?" She asks.

Beckett nods. "Today."


	2. Between the Sacred & Profane

**A/N: A sincere thank you to everyone who reviewed – please excuse the group response – I just want all of you to know that I appreciate each one. They all made me smile, they all made me want to get back to this ASAP, and they've all turned what was only two parts in my head into a multi-chapter fic – so I hope that's what you wanted;) To anyone also reading 'Phoenix' - the next chapter of that will be up after Labor Day. Lots of case related stuff in the next installment and I'm busy trying to make sure I haven't written myself into a corner, or given too much away, enough said.**

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><p><strong>Beyond Broken Castle Walls<strong>

Chapter Two: Between the Sacred & Profane.

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><p>Hand on the doorknob of his hospital room Kate pauses, split entirely in two emotionally. Just getting to Castle as fast as possible has been a complete nightmare, and there is a part of her wondering when exactly she's going to wake-up. Captain Gates is probably in the process of suspending her or having her fired right about now, and truthfully Kate could give a rat's ass. She'd asked for vacation time nicely, she'd explained the dire nature of the situation and her Captain's response was to tell her she was needed at the precinct and she couldn't go. Beckett had left her gun and her badge on Gates' desk and walked out.<p>

"_I don't know where you think you're going Detective but I suggest you get your ass back here." Gates followed her to her desk eyebrow raised as Kate gathered her things._

"_I'm going to California on the next available flight to see my partner – who maybe dying and you can either let me, suspend me or fire me. Those are you options Captain, but either way I'll be on that plane." Kate didn't look back as she gathered Alexis and headed for the elevator. She hasn't looked back since._

Taking a deep breath Kate turns the handle and steels herself to enter the room, she's asked to do this alone, and Alexis has agreed. Half of the detective dreads what she's about to find. She simply can't picture the Castle she's knows who can never stop touching things, never sit still, never not stop talking, reduced to still and silent - and confined to a bed. She's also desperate to simply _see _him, to drink in the planes of his face and be able to touch him again. It's been nine months since she was last in his presence and if she lives to be a hundred she never wants to go a day again that doesn't include him.

She opens the door and steps inside on rubbery legs, studiously avoiding looking at him until she reaches the side of his bed and takes his hand. It's warm; and her fingers caress it as she wraps it in both of hers. She searches out his pulse, it's steady and regular beneath her touch, reassuring and then she lets her eyes travel his body, all the way up until she reaches his face.

The sight holds her immobile. His hair is a little too long; his bangs falling completely across his forehead instead of his usual slick style and he's three shades too pale from lack of sunshine. The face she loves is thinner she thinks, and so still, unnaturally still, it doesn't look like he's simply sleeping for the absence of any trace of expression gives her the vibe that he's not there at all.

It's just like Alexis tried to tell her, it's like he's already slipped away.

Kate doesn't know how long she stands there drinking him in quietly, but the longer she watches the more panicked she grows. He's hooked up to a monitor that traces his heart rate silently and the quiet combined with the stillness sends her suddenly racing from the room. She pushes pass Alexis in the hallway in search of a bathroom and when she finds it she empties the meager contents of her stomach into the closest stall.

"Kate? Kate what's wrong?" Alexis is all concern as she follows Beckett into the bathroom and waits for her.

Kate retches again, her stomach now empty. Trembling the detective exits the stall and runs the tap in the closest basin. Splashing her face with icy water she shivers uncontrollably then turns the water to tepid and manages to drink a few swallows before she attempts a reply.

"Sorry Alexis. It's just shock, he's just so still – it's not . . . he's never still." She says by way of explanation.

Alexis manages a wan smile. "Yeah it is weird . . . guess I've grown used to it." She says softly, before asking, "Are you going back in?"

Beckett nods. "Yeah. Yeah I am – alone . . . I need to be alone with him." She says.

The author's daughter nods. "Okay. I'll . . . I'm going to go home and check on Gram's; I didn't tell her I was going to New York until I was at the gate waiting to get on the plane. She was mad; I should go and deal with it."

Alexis turns to leave and Kate stops her with a hand on her elbow. "Does Martha know I'm here?" She asks.

The red-head nods. "I told her why I was going, I even told her what I'd done. I think she was relieved to finally know you didn't hate Dad – and that I'd made you do what you did. It's been so hard on Gram's seeing him struggling, they joke around about it a lot but they're tight you know. Dad adores Gram's really and she loves him more than anyone, more than anything. She didn't say much, we didn't have time to talk but I could tell she was thankful I was going to you for help."

"I'll let you know where I'll be staying when I figure it out." The detective replies.

Alexis frowns. "You can stay with us Kate . . . Dad's renting a huge house out here, there is plenty of space."

Kate shakes her head. "I don't think that's such a good idea."

Alexis sighs. "Why? Because you don't want to be around me?" She asks sharply. "I know I hurt you Kate . . . I know I was selfish and blind and I acted like a child. But I'm sorry; you can't know how sorry I am. Watching Dad these last nine months, seeing him lying there now, isn't that punishment enough detective?" The young woman's voice breaks and she falls silent.

Kate sighs, Alexis is right in that Kate is finding it tough to be around her, but if there is to be any kind of future for her and Castle she's going to need to start forgiving the girl sometime. She makes a decision and hopes she can live with it.

"Okay. I'll be here a while though . . . I need to talk to him . . . let him know I'm here – I need time." She says.

Alexis nods. "I know, thank you Kate. I'll come back and get you in a few hours."

Kate smiles and squeezes the girl's shoulder on her way back to Castle's room. She slips inside again seats herself on the edge of the bed in the fading sunlight. She pulls his hand into her lap, entwining their fingers and squeezing, wishing he could simply sense her presence, open his amazing eyes and squeeze back.

She swallows, her mouth suddenly dry and then she begins to talk, after all she has to start somewhere.

"Hey Castle." She says softly. "What the hell happened to you Rick? What are you thinking pulling this shit – I know you're in there, I know you're hiding." She says, fear coloring every syllable.

Emotion is choking her; she doesn't know what to say. Minutes pass and then she tries again.

"I miss you Castle." She says. "Everything I told you nine months ago was a lie – you know that – I know you know that. I can't believe you bought it for a second, but I played you Castle . . . I knew you were blaming yourself and it was so easy to feed that. If you don't wake up and kick my ass for that I'll never forgive myself Rick – never – I hope you're listening?" She says, squeezing his fingers painfully tight.

"Do you feel that Rick?' She asks him. "It's me, kicking your butt for leaving us like this . . . and what scares me Castle is that I don't know whether to believe you did this on purpose or if it was just sheer dumb luck! Either way, you were supposed to wake up Richard . . . you are not supposed to have given up like this. You're scaring your daughter right now – you know that right? Did she tell you Castle? Did she explain everything – did she tell you that she made me let you go? Dumb . . . how was I so dumb? I thought making you leave was letting you go Rick – I really thought it was, and that I could do it – so stupid, I'm so stupid, there is nothing in me that let go of you – can you hear me? I kept you with me every damn day Castle; I held imaginary conversations with you everywhere. And if you never wake up you condemn me to a life in this room Castle because I can't go on without you anymore. So if in your head you're keeping me with you the way I've been holding onto the memory of you – stop it, stop it right now Castle."

Kate stops to take breath. Tears are clouding her view of him, but she can't let go her death grip on his hand to wipe them away.

"I just . . . I just, I want you to know I'm here Castle. I'm not there in your head Rick, that person you think is with you; I swear she's not really me. And the real me . . . well she needs you Castle. She needs you like sunshine and air and food and all those horrible clichés that we always say are cheesy. I _need_ you Richard, and whatever you have to do to get back to me, I need you to get on it – are you listening, because I . . . "She takes another deep breath and confesses the same way, in the same form he did. "Rick I _love_ you . . . I love you Rick."


	3. Tell me you still linger

**A/N: Many, many thanks again to all of you wonderful reviewers. You guys are the fuel of the muse and each of you made my day.**

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><p><strong>Chapter Three<strong>: Tell me you still Linger.

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><p>When Alexis returns three hours later she finds Kate in the chair by his bed, humming to herself as she clings to Castle's hand. Her eye make-up is horribly smudged and the tracks of tears are clearly visible down her face even though she is presently dry-eyed.<p>

"Hey Kate." Alexis says quietly, as she approaches her father's side. The girl can't help feeling a little disappointed, she knows expecting him to simply wake-up because Kate is in the room is foolish, he isn't sleeping beauty and this definitely isn't a fairy tale, nonetheless that small, tiny feeling is still there – frustrated Alexis pushes it away.

When the detective doesn't acknowledge her Alexis focuses on her father instead. She brushes his hair back from his forehead with her fingers and deposits a gentle kiss on his brow. "We have to go Dad."She tells him with forced cheerfulness, "We'll both be back tomorrow though, please don't go anywhere okay?" She adds, and the fearful note in her voice stops Kate's humming in its tracks.

As the older woman's attention shifts to her Alexis forces a smile. "I always tell him that – every night when I leave him . . . I have to keep believing he can hear me." She says.

Kate can certainly empathize. "Yeah. Me too."

"Come on Detective, let's go home. I can bring you back first thing in the morning; it's been a long day for you. You should get some sleep. "Alexis tells her.

Kate shakes her head. "Sleep is a very elusive thing for me these days Alexis." She replies, and then noticing the stricken look that immediately passes across the teenagers face she adds, "But I'll try . . . and you're right, we should go, it's been a bad day."

Getting up she untangles her fingers from his, returning his hand softly to the bed by his side before she leans down over him and does what she can no longer stop herself from doing, she kisses him on the mouth, lingering only for a moment and forcing back a tidal wave of sorrow when his lips don't firm under hers and kiss her back. "Until tomorrow, Rick." She whispers, borrowing his 'more hopeful' parting line, "I love you." She adds, almost under breath, but not caring if his daughter hears, she could care less now who knows.

Kate grabs her jacket from the chair back and forces herself to leave the room without looking back, knowing that she might never get herself to go if she does.

Once outside Alexis leads the way to the car park and it dawns on Kate that she didn't even know the girl could drive, it's more than a little unnerving how much has changed. Alexis leads her towards a pale blue hybrid 'Escape' and Kate actually manages a smile.

"What?" Alexis asks her as she goes to get in the driver's door.

"Castle picked out your car right?" She asks.

Alexis nods. "Yeah . . . why?"

Kate smiles again as she gets in the passenger side. "He asked me once what kind of vehicle I thought would be appropriate for a teenage girl . . . it's just; he took my advice . . . that's all."

They pass a few minutes in traffic in silence, Kate staring out the window at nothing as memories of her previous trip to California with Castle haunt her minds-eye. She's thankful when Alexis pulls her back from 'what-if-ing' by asking her a question.

"Kate . . . will you tell me about Josh?"

Kate startles. She hasn't even thought about Josh in maybe six months. "What about him?" She says.

"When I was on my way to New York to get you . . . I was afraid that – well that maybe you and he . . . " Alexis trails off unsure how to finish that sentence.

"You thought I might still be with Josh." Kate says for her. "That maybe I'd forgotten about your Dad."

Alexis sighs. "Yeah." She confesses. "I mean, you were together with Josh a long time. I didn't know what I might find." She says.

"I broke up with Josh while I was still in the hospital Alexis, pretty much as soon as I came around. I'd . . . your Dad and I . . . well let's just say that events surrounding Captain Montgomery's death put everything in pretty harsh perspective. We fought about it actually, your Dad and I, the worst argument we've ever had – but afterwards I think we both faced up to what was really between us – in our own heads at least." Kate says wistfully.

"So I really did make you break your own heart - for me." Alexis replies.

Kate nods. "But loving your father, it scared me . . . so I convinced myself your request was the noble course of action, that you were right and he was safer away from me. I was a coward – I see that now."

Alexis shakes her head. "You're the bravest person I know detective. Dad always says that too, that you are fearless."

Kate's eyes darken with sadness; the memory of his voice assaults her. _'Most people come up against a wall they give up, but not you. You don't give up, you don't back down . . . it's what makes you extraordinary.'_ She takes a breath and realizes that right now all she has is his faith in her, and that it's what will get them all through this. No matter the wall, no matter what his doctor's say, no matter how long it takes – she can never give up.

She's about to reply when her phone buzzes in her jacket pocket where it's lying across her lap, she pulls it out to discover the latest in a long line of text messages and a barrage of missed calls, looks like her team have been trying to get a hold of her for hours. She has five messages from Esposito alone.

'_Yo Beckett, where are you and little Castle – Johnson from the desk says she came by today?'_

'_Boss what the hell is going on –' Iron' Gates is really in a piss and apparently you're suspended?'_

'_Beckett pick up your phone and call, Ryan and Lanie are worried?'_

'_Has something happened to Castle? Can't think you would do this for anyone else and the bitch in the Captain's office ain't talkin.'_

'_Beckett now I'm worried – what can we do to help?'_

Looking at the messages Kate is warmed by her friends concern, and then something occurs to her that she hasn't given a thought to up until now.

"Alexis – how have you kept Castle's condition out of the press?" She asks.

The author's daughter grimaces. "Paula." She replies. "Actually it's been easy, well, easy-ish. This isn't exactly the kind of press that either she or Gina or Black Pawn wants for their star writer. Gina came out here – she still cares a lot about Dad but she couldn't deal with it and she wasn't helping. But between them all so far we've managed to keep a lid on it – I think Paula has the entire staff of the hospital under threat of a very large lawsuit if anyone so much as breathes a word. Still, I'm amazed it's lasted this long, and with you here, I doubt if we'll be flying under the radar much longer."

Beckett takes a moment and processes this, ruthlessly squashing her jealousy that Gina knew, that she spent time with him when Kate herself wasn't in the loop, and then she asks, "Are you okay with me filling in the guys and Lanie – Dr. Parrish I mean. They all lost Castle too when I made him leave and I'd like Lanie's advice – her medical opinion, if you're okay with that?"

Alexis nods. "I trust them, Dad would trust them – do what you have to do Kate, its okay."

Kate smiles her thanks and as Alexis diverts her full attention back to driving; Kate takes a deep breath and punches the speedial on her phone, it barely rings once.

"_Girl where the hell are you?" _Lanie almost shouts into the phone.

"California. I just left San Jose and now I guess we're heading for Palo Alto?" Kate looks sideways at Alexis for confirmation – the teen inclines her head in agreement.

There is a small pause on the line as Lanie figures this out. _"So it's true you are with the little Castle then . . . the little Stanford attending Castle. Kate what is going on? The new Captain isn't saying a word beyond telling Javi you've been suspended for insubordination, and now you're telling me you've run off to visit the Castle's in Cali – when not one of us has seen or spoken to them since you kicked big Rick to the curb nine months ago. Girl you better start talking!"_

"Alexis came to get me Lanie – Castle . . . he's in the hospital. He's been there a while, in a coma and there is some disagreement over whether he ended up there in the aftermath of a suicide attempt or not. "

Stunned silence reigns on the line, and Kate feels panic threaten again, just saying it; just giving voice to the possibility is like a dagger to the most vulnerable part of her soul. "He's so still Lanie. So still and so far away . . . but I don't believe it . . . even if he was depressed . . . the man I love is stronger than that – this has to have been an accident Lanie, it _has _too. " Kate continues.

The other end of the phone line Dr. Lanie Parrish gasps for two reasons, horror at what has befallen her friend and joy that Beckett is finally facing the fact that she's in love. The last nine months have been painful for more than just Castle and Beckett, the whole team has been affected by the loss of their magnetic dynamic.

"_I'm so sorry hunnie."_ Lanie tells her. _"Can you tell me what happened?"_

Kate sighs. "Anti-depressants and alcohol basically." She replies.

"_No I mean can you really tell me what happened. If there is some discussion about whether this was an accidental thing or not, who better to try and shed some light on it than me? If you can get me his medical records, specifically his blood analysis in the wake of the overdose, I bet I can tell you if he was aiming for ending it all or if he was just trying to deaden the pain. Get me his CT scans also. " _Lanie says, compassion coating every word. "_Let me help you get some answers Kate, let me do something to help."_

"I appreciate it Lanie, I'll talk to Alexis and get back to you. I haven't spoken to his doctors yet, but I'll fill you in when I have, maybe I can clear this up with them myself." Kate answers.

"_Hang in there Kate. Let us know what we can do okay?"_ Lanie tells her.

"Lanie . . . it's been a month and his condition isn't changing . . . "Kate trails off.

"_Girlfriend I know where this is going and you don't give up on him for a minute you hear me. No one knows the outcome Kate, and situations like this can go either way. He can come back from this, you can believe that. And once he knows you're there, he's gonna start trying girl. Castle loves you Kate, he loves you – hold onto it."_

"I don't intend to let go Lanie. I'll talk to you tomorrow okay . . . tell the guys thanks for me, I'll be in touch." Kate tells her.

"_Night hunnie. I'll be waiting" _Lanie replies before she hangs up.

"What did Dr. Parrish say Kate?" Alexis asks her.

"She told me not to give up hope and to believe in your father's love for me." Kate answers, her gaze sliding past the red-head and out into the night.

"So you'll do that right?" The teenager asks.

Kate nods as she continues to stare out into the dark. "Always." She answers, speaking not only to Alexis, but to herself and to Castle. "I don't have control over this kind of glue."


	4. Wandering in the Black

**A/N: Thanks again to all of you readers for your alerts and favorites and especially your amazing reviews. Please continue to let me know what you think. And yes, there is a 'Firefly' reference in here, and I should also note that the chapter titles of chapters 2 & 3 are partly drawn from the song 'Tremble' by Charlotte Martin - great song - very Casketty. You should check out the you tube video that was made to that song for Castle & Beckett - utterly brilliant, but nothing to do with this story.  
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**Chapter Four:** Wandering in the black.

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><p>Castle's rented Palo Alto house is a typical sprawling Spanish style villa, ten minutes drive from Stanford University's main campus. It's beautiful, spacious and as Kate looks around the living room the one thing that strikes her is the complete lack of character. It's a place to live day to day to be sure, but Castle's distinct personality is noticeably absent from the space he's been calling home since he arrived in California.<p>

It strikes her with a new wave of loss. His loft in New York is his home, it's him in every single way, but there is nothing of Rick here, and nothing comforting about it. Kate hears footsteps descending the tiled staircase and she turns to find Martha, glass of wine in hand and about to accost her.

Kate expects Castle's mother to greet her with her usual "Darling . . . "so she isn't anticipating the trembling mouth and desperate, overly tight hug Martha engulfs her in. When the sobs start against her shoulder Kate reacts the only way she can, she hugs back hard and mutters comforting nonsense until the actress finally calms.

"Oh sweetheart I'm sorry . . . I'm just so relieved you're here." Martha tells her, those insanely blue eyes her son inherited awash with an ocean of pain.

The entrance of Alexis halts Kate's reply on her tongue, but the young woman only stops to hug her grandmother and to say 'Goodnight', she tells Kate the location of the spare room and leaves the older two women to catch up.

Castle's mother takes a seat on the sofa and a large swig of her wine before she says, "It's good of you to stay Kate, as I can't imagine you're feeling exactly charitable towards Alexis at the moment."

Kate tries to find a smile but fails dismally – settling for shaking her head instead. "I don't want to resent her Martha. I don't want to blame her, she only wanted her father safe . . . in that we wanted the same thing. I should have had the courage to fight for him . . . I have missed him Martha – I can't even begin to tell you how much. Life without him . . . it's just a huge black hole." The detective confesses.

Misty eyed the actress nods in agreement. "I guess you already know how Richard's been faring, but I didn't see this coming Kate, even though maybe I should have. I think it's been some special kind of hell for him to be away from you, although for my sake and for Alexis he's tried incredibly hard to move on."

This wounds her. Cuts somewhere inside her, leaves her bleeding to hear this– though she has no right to feel that way Kate can't help it. Between Alexis and herself they forced this on him. She imagines suddenly that he succeeded, imagines how she would feel to have come across him splashed across the tabloids with a new woman on his arm, in his bed, in his heart. For a moment Beckett can't see. She blinks furiously to clear the vision and finds Martha looking at her with sad knowing eyes, her face must be giving her away.

"I said he tried darling . . . he didn't for a single moment fool himself at least into believing he would manage it. We wanted him to be happy, so we took what comfort we could from those days when he seemed a little mended. He plastered over the cracks enough to encourage the hope – but it was all for the peanut gallery Kate – it had no more substance than air." Martha says gently.

"I'm sorry Martha. I never wanted to hurt him, I just . . . his happiness is the most important thing to me, you have to believe that." Kate pleads.

The red-head reaches out a hand and pulls Kate down on to the sofa next to her, wrapping the detective's slight, strong fingers in her own and squeezing tightly. "There are no rehearsals for life darling; we do the best we can as players on its stage. The biggest problem the two of you will face is being honest with each other. This cat and mouse, hide and seek game is played out now, it's left you both in ruins so it can be no more Kate. As his mother this I beg of you – if Richard is truly the missing part of you the way you are the missing part of him – _tell him _Kate. _Please._"

Beckett finds herself nodding, "Already have, and I promise you I won't stop telling him until it brings him back to me." She vows.

The women fall silent a moment, but there is much that must be said and no better person than Martha for Kate to seek her answers from.

"Do you believe it Martha?" She questions at length. "What the doctors are suggesting . . . that Castle . . . that he wanted to die?" The words almost choke her, but Kate gets them into the world.

The author's mother shudders, her hand, still wrapped tightly around Kate's trembles as the detective awaits her reply.

"I didn't. Not a first. When I found him I didn't know what had happened, he was just lying there on the floor next to his bed. I thought he'd fallen, that he was drunk, and there was a whiskey bottle beside him on the carpet drained dry. I went to get him a pillow from the bed to put under his head, to make him more comfortable and his prescription bottle was there – open." Martha closes her eyes against tears.

Kate steels herself to ask for more details. "Was it empty Martha – or was it just open?"

Martha blinks, unfocused, remembering. "Open. Just open. I don't know how many were in there to begin with, and I don't think he filled the prescription beyond twice. Richard isn't big on pills, never was, even as a child he would protest against medication. But he wanted to write, said he needed to write but that all he could get out was sadness and despair. His publisher wanted the fourth book Kate – the last one on his Nikki Heat contract and he wanted to get it done, so he agreed to try the anti-depressants. See if they would alleviate his symptoms and let him focus on his story. It seemed to help him, at first, he was writing constantly and then he just stopped. He stopped writing and he stopped taking them – and then things got worse. He just withdrew; from Alexis, from me, from the world. For weeks he barely spoke, just holed up in the office off his bedroom and refused to do anything. Didn't want to eat, or write, or cook or be with us, and then this . . . I don't want to believe it Kate . . . but I can't tell you what they say isn't true. I've ever seen my son so shattered – it's not in his nature to be down. He's charming and he's witty and he always rebounds from disappointment – Richard is resilient – or at least he used to be. He's lost love before Kate, things ended difficultly with Kyra, and Meredith cheated on him and left him holding the baby so to speak. It faded with Gina because she was in love with the image not the man behind it but at no time before did it touch him like this. He'd get drunk, he'd sleep around, he'd channel it into his work and he'd go back to being Richard – but you – losing you – it just tore him apart darling and no matter how hard he tried he couldn't fit himself back together."

Kate sniffs and bites her lip to keep all this makes her feel rammed down inside. She wants to bolt and she wants to scream and she really wants to blast the crap out of something right about now. But this isn't about her it's about finding answers and she'll look anywhere she has too and face down whatever comes until she figures this out.

There is more here, and something else happened, she knows this much. So she has to shove aside for the moment the question of what he was trying to do and focus on the _why _he was doing it. In the 'why' lies the truth? She accepts she left him broken. She puts the cracks there; she weakened him and left him teetering but something more than that triggered the melt-down. Whatever that something is could also be the reason he hasn't woken up. If he'd rather hide in a world of his own creation rather than face his waking reality then she must find and slay that demon for him – make it safe for him to come back to her. If she can tell him that she knows, that she understands everything and that she commits to being with him no matter what, then maybe it will pull his mind back from where it wanders.

Exhausted on every level possible Kate has one final question for her ex-partner's mother.

"Martha, can you show me what he was working on? What he was doing before things suddenly got bad?"

The actress nods. "If you think it will help. I don't know what you expect to find Kate, but you're welcome to look."

Kate breathes her relief and stands. "Oh I know what I'm looking for Martha – it's simple and it's there I know it is. Even if this was accidental, even if he didn't mean it, now that he's locked up in his mind _something _that happened is holding him hostage there. So I'm looking for the reason Castle suddenly gave up on hope."


	5. The Horses' Mouth

**A/N: Again please excuse the group response to all of you amazing reviewers. I'm working ten hour days, I have two children who just went back to school, one just starting high school - how freaked out am I? - don't ask, and even finding a moment to write is taking time away from somewhere else. However the compulsion to write always wins out and I'm still polishing a very stubborn chapter on 'Phoenix' so you get more of this - let me know how I did. Hugs to you all.  
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**Chapter Five: **The Horses' Mouth.

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><p>Kate sits hunched over in the armchair next to Castle's bed, his laptop open on her knees before her. It's the middle of the day after she arrived, and she's been back here watching over him since 8am this morning, when Alexis dropped her off on her way to campus.<p>

It's too soon for Kate to say that's she's feeling better about her strained relationship with the author's daughter, but she feels like they understand each other a little more clearly – and that a truce has been reached between them. Alexis has learned the hard way about the importance of Beckett in her father's life and the fact that she has, when it's most important reached out to Kate for help, has gone a long way to putting them back on the road to friendship.

The last month Alexis has missed a lot of classes because of Castle's condition, so today Kate suggested she take a break from watching and worrying about him, and go be a student again. Alexis had shyly asked if it was because Kate wanted her gone and after Kate had convinced her that was not the case at all, the girl had agreed, kissing her father a quick 'good morning' and 'goodbye' and leaving Kate in charge.

First order of business had been copies of his medical records, which thanks to Alexis were now safely in the hands of Lanie Parrish – Kate knew better than to bug Lanie for answers, she'll hear back from the M.E, when Lanie has triple checked the results and not before.

As for Kate, she'd just needed to be close to him and so she'd decided to bring his computer with her, sit beside him and begin trying to figure this thing out. The computer itself is not password protected, but Castle – and she imagines all writers are the same – has every important document, his partially completed new book included locked against prying eyes in the form of a folder she hasn't yet been able to get into.

It's clearly marked – at least she thinks it's the book – the folder is titled 'Fever Heat', and she can't think that it could be anything else. She's tried all the obvious passwords she can come up with and no luck so far, but what she has been able to determine with her admittedly limited tech experience is that the contents of the folder were last modified three weeks before Castle's overdose. This fits the time-frame for his sudden withdrawal.

Her throat feels dry and scratchy from filling his room with one sided conversation all morning and she's about to go and hunt down something to drink when the door to the author's room opens and a doctor appears. He seems startled to find an unfamiliar face and then recognition floods his expression.

"Nikki Heat? I presume. I'm Dr. Barlow. I'm Mr. Castle's attending physician; it's a pleasure to meet you." The man advances with his hand out and Kate forces her weary form to its feet, laying the computer behind her on the chair.

"Kate Beckett." She says, finding that her own name feels strange coming out of her mouth without the word 'Detective' in front of it. But she is 'suspended' and she is away from her jurisdiction and right here, right now, she's Kate – Kate who loves Rick, and Castle and Beckett are simply who they used to be before things went wrong.

The doctor shakes her hand a little too enthusiastically and she can actually feel his 'fan-boy' interest oozing all over her. She hides a shudder; she's dealt with this occasionally since Heat Wave hit the bestseller list so she just smiles falsely and asks a question.

"Are you at liberty to talk to me about his condition doctor – I know I'm not a relative but his daughter and his mother have requested my presence and so I'm hoping it won't be a problem."

Dr. Barlow nods. "Miss. Castle and Ms. Rogers have already taken pains to inform the hospital that you are to be included in any and all discussions regarding Mr. Castle's care and his condition. I'm happy to tell you anything you wish to know Ms. Beckett – or should I call you 'Detective'?"

"Kate." Beckett responds. "I'm just Kate." Looking over at Castle she straightens her spine and makes herself ask the toughest thing first. "Can he recover . . . from this, and please don't tell me any flowery tales about never giving up hope because believe me I never will, but in your honest opinion – what are his chances?" She says.

Dr. Barlow indicates the seat where Kate was previously sitting, and picking the computer back up again she resumes her former position.

"I'm assuming Kate that you are aware of how this happened?" He begins.

"I know his mother found him unconscious and I know he'd mixed his meds with alcohol. By all means please fill in the blanks." She replies.

"I don't know how familiar you are with anti-depressant medications Kate, but they come in five different kinds, each with its own set of side effects. Mr. Castle was prescribed one of the older types – a class of drug know as 'Tricyclics' and the main problem with this type of drug is that the therapeutic dose of the medication is very close to the toxic dose. Meaning that even doubling your prescribed dose at the time of ingestion can result in an overdose. You add any amount of alcohol to the equation and you make matters worse. Most cases of overdose result in either seizures or cardiac dysrhythmias, in this case – both. The cardiac complications we were able to deal with, it's the seizures that resulted in the coma." The physician explains.

Kate feels nausea sweep through her as her heart skips a beat._ Oh my God Rick – oh my God._

"Is there brain damage?" She asks, voice small.

"Possibly. I would say probably." Dr. Barlow responds. "But unless he wakes up there is no way to truly know. Mr. Castle has undergone five separate CT scans and to the best of our ability to tell, his scans look good. His airway is stable and that's a really good sign, comatose individuals are often at risk of asphyxiation because of damage in the brain – so we can be encouraged by this. However his pupils are dilated and un-reactive to light and this concerns me. To be frank with you, I would have expected him to recover awareness by now; it's highly unusual for a comatose state to last this long given the causal circumstances unless real damage to the brain has occurred. We're stumped Kate – we cannot find a reason for him not to have woken up – except the psychological implications. He was severely depressed and most probably took the overdose deliberately – if he doesn't want to wake up, this could well be why he hasn't. The brain is complex Kate, and a person's emotional state, their stress level etc has major effects on the body itself. I wish I could be more hopeful but it's been a month without improvement and I'm not optimistic."

Dr. Barlow reaches out to squeeze Kate's shoulder but she shrugs him off.

"He wouldn't do this – he couldn't, not Castle, not on purpose – he wouldn't abandon Alexis like that, no matter how dark a place he was in . . . He's stronger than I am." The detective says vehemently.

The physician shrugs. "I'm not saying we should give up. I just want you all to be prepared, the more days that pass; the slimmer the chances he'll make even a partial recovery. I'm sorry Kate – I know this is hard to hear."

Beckett nods her head, it's beyond hard, somehow hearing it from Alexis or Martha it was easy to dismiss, but from his doctor – someone who really knows – it's unbearable to think it could all be true. He might never open those astonishing eyes of his, or speak to her in his melodic voice. Never make an innuendo, or smile his heart-stopping smile or challenge her intellectually ever again. It's impossible, it's egregious - it just can't end for them this way, because she simply can't take it. The knot of pain in the center of her chest expands, until she's shaking all over and then she looks over at Rick, and a holy fire erupts in her blood. This is _not _going to happen – he _is _coming back to her, all she has to do is figure out how to make him _want_ too.

Kate forces herself to stop trembling.

"Thank you, Dr. Barlow for explaining and for being so candid, I hope I you'll understand if I'm candid back. But you see I love him – Rick Castle – and I know, I _know _he's in there. And I know that somehow, someway I'll figure out how to reach him, and when that happens he's going to amaze you all, the way he never ceases to amaze me and he's going to recover. And in the meantime whatever assistance you can lend me will be much appreciated, and whatever physical therapy he can have that will maintain his physical condition he's going to get. I will be here, I will do whatever needs to be done, but the man that I love is coming back to me Dr. Barlow – I swear to you he's coming back."

Beckett re-opens the computer on her lap and turns her mind back to her quest for answers; she hears the door open and close as Dr. Barlow quits the room and with her heart racing she suddenly 'sees' Castle's password in her mind. Fingertips quivering, she moves the cursor over the 'Fever Heat' folder and clicks, the password request box opens and Kate types a single word, a-l-w-a-y-s.

The folder unlocks.


	6. A Castle State of Mind

**Chapter Six**: A Castle State of Mind.

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><p>Kate scans the document in front of her with relief. It is his latest novel that's she found, and relief mingles with sorrow as she's torn between knowing no-one is supposed to see this before he's ready to have it edited, and needing to discover if there is anything within the contents that will reveal what the hell went wrong.<p>

Her heart is still racing painfully in her chest from discovering Castle's password alone. One word, it should not mean or reveal so much and yet it tells her volumes, just volumes because she knows the man who choose it so well. 'Always' is theirs – or at least it was. Initially it was his alone, his way of telling her without spelling it out that he would never disappear from her life again – an apology for the summer when he did. It was his way of asking her to look beyond his history, and see into his heart – it was a code – it meant 'I love you.' And the day she gave it back to him she'd known _exactly_ what she was doing, and the warmth and surprise in his eyes as he watched her afterwards had been all the reward she could ever have desired.

To find that word here, on this manuscript, where every time he worked on it he would be reminded – this tells her that he hadn't completely given up on them. That even though she'd made him believe she held him accountable for her shooting, banished him from her life with harsh words and horrible lies – even then, in his heart he held the hope of reconciliation. And this, this is the Castle that she knew.

With trepidation she forces her misgivings about violating his integrity to the back of her mind. His life is more important than her scruples and if he's mad about it later she'll deal with it happily – because the only way he can be mad is if he recovers.

The first page of the document appears to be a brief summary of the intended plot – very similar to the jacket blurb all novels use to 'sell' the contents. Kate skims it; Nikki and Rook are working together once more as a series of murders throws the NYPD into chaos. Beat cops are dying under bizarre circumstances and all of New York can't get enough of the story as the entire force battles to safeguard its own. Meanwhile Nikki and Rook get ever closer, but when Rook decides he wants Nikki to commit to forever – will it mean happily-ever-after or does it spell the beginning of the end?

Beckett blinks. _Oh Rick._ Her eyes fly to his empty expressionless face, in her mind she's already hoping he planned on letting Nikki say 'yes', and she knows exactly what that says about her.

She's read the first four chapters before she has time to acknowledge it. And it's a strange experience, there are 'tag's in the margins of his work, lines in red followed by lines in green where he's written two versions of a sentence and hasn't yet decided which one to use. In several places he's written two versions of whole paragraphs, but the plot is still easy enough to follow and she's fallen in love with it in the space of an hour. Sixty pages in and he has her well and truly hooked. Four bodies have dropped, and Detective Raley has been attacked, but amid the drama and fear Nikki and Rook are so happy with each other that she wonders how he managed to write this at all? Given the emotional circumstances under which he was composing it – it's unexpected to find there is joy infusing the pages and then it hits her.

This story was his therapy –this is what he did to give himself something of 'them' to hold onto, he wrote about Nikki and Rook, and he wrote about them in love. He gave his characters, his thinly veiled versions of them, the relationship that the 'real' Castle and Beckett should have had. From their banter, to the support they unfailingly provide for one another, to the shared relief of coming home to someone you know 'get's you, and knows exactly how to help you stay sane. Their fictional alter-egos have even developed Rick and Kate's freaky way of finishing each other's sentences, and God knows how badly she _misses_ that.

Her whole life Beckett has never been as in-tune with another person as she was with Richard Castle. The way they could follow the other's train of thought and complete it was a gift – so to see his appreciation of it – right there in black and white on the page – the ache in her heart intensifies.

In his three prior Nikki Heat novels there were elements of their relationship woven in, but this time it's far more than that and she sees it so clearly. Someone once commented to Kate that his books were like 'love letters' dedicated to her – and this time it's the literal truth. Castle knew she would read this when it was published. He knew her – knew that she wouldn't be able to help herself and so he's poured onto the page everything that they shared that he loved. He's showing her all they could have had if only she would've allowed it, that's why Nikki in the book is going to have to face the ultimate commitment question from Rook – because that's what Castle wanted from her – forever.

Beckett can't stop the first sob from bursting its way out of her chest, but she fights to hold back the second, and the third. She closes the laptop along with her eyes and she fights for calm as the start of an emotional storm rages within her. Castle had a plan, and this novel was it. He was depressed and he was hurting but he was fighting back, he was fighting for her – the only way he knew how.

This novel then is her proof of what she suspected, that something very definite happened that caused him to give-up, and if Martha and Alexis don't know what that is then she's looking for someone else who does.

Beckett begins to see it like a murder board in her head – macabre but it's the method she uses to figure things out. The overdose might be the final act, but the day Castle suddenly stopped working on this story and withdrew is the real place her timeline starts. She has to work backwards from there because her 'kill zone' is short, Castle is very reactive. If something happened to disturb him so greatly – then it happened within a day, maybe within hours of him starting to shut down. Someone got in the way of Rick's plan, someone whether they knew it or not did something or said something that nullified his campaign – made it moot – convinced him it would not work. It wasn't his daughter or his mother, so in the day or so before he quit writing he had contact with someone else. Her next avenue of investigation then is to trace Castle's movements the day before he stopped working on 'Fever Heat'. This novel was Rick's weapon, to his mind his shot at redemption – she now has to find out who took it away from him, how and why?

Kate get's up and after a moments indecision she takes a seat beside him on his bed. Bending at the waist she lays her head on his chest and let's the rhythmic rise and fall of his breathing calm the elevated pounding of her terrified heart. She tips her head up to study his slack features, forcing herself to remember them animated and mischievous - to remember his smile. There isn't another man on earth who has a smile to match his, not the wattage or the sense of humor behind it.

"You were going to let her say 'Yes' weren't you?" She says to him, her mind supplying the grin he cannot presently give her, along with the raised eyebrow and the 'not-telling' tilt of his head.

"You were going to make Rook face up to all he wanted and tell her – he's brave Rook – because he's you Castle. The book doesn't go past chapter twenty Rick, and I'm not there yet – but he'll have asked her by then won't he – though you'll make us all sweat through until the end to find out what she does. Nikki will say 'Yes' Castle, when you finish this. You will finish this and you'll write her saying 'Yes' Castle because if Nikki is me – I'll say 'Yes' – I promise. When I get you out of this Rick, whatever you want from me – I promise you the answer is 'Yes'."

Beckett's phone rings, and she grabs it from her pant's pocket, reluctantly forcing herself from her prone position - the loss of his body heat a pang she tries and fails to ignore.

One glance at the caller ID and her heart is triple-timing again - 'Lanie', there can be only one reason for the M.E's call - she knows.

"Beckett." It comes out fearful and small. But it comes out.

"Imma tell you right now 'cause I know you know what this call is hunnie." Lanie says in lieu of any greeting. "It was an accident Kate - the margin of overdose is too small for any other conclusion. He might have been careless Kate - but he wasn't suicidal, he wasn't planning on leaving you, just numbing himself for a while. Kate? Kate are you listening to me? Hunnie are you there?"

Beckett is nodding, but she can't speak through grateful tears.


	7. A Ring for Nikki?

**A/N. Many, many thanks again for all the support my friends - enjoy.  
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**Chapter Seven:** A Ring for Nikki?

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><p>Beckett scrubs her face clean of make-up and pads out of the en-suite bathroom pretty much dead on her feet. When she considers that for eight of the nine months she and Castle were separated she was numb to her core – these last few days have seen her emotions jumping all over the proverbial mat. Maybe that's what happens she thinks, when you lock it all away inside, when it's finally freed it all goes a little nuts and your usual controls burn out on you. Or maybe it's just that from the moment they met, Castle has always managed to pull her emotions this way and that – from irritation to admiration to fear to love to desire and need – he brings all of it out in her and always has.<p>

Still, she's definitely cried more these last few days than at anytime in her life bar the weeks following the loss of her mother – and she was a kid then, barely nineteen and a far different person from the stoic, guarded adult detective she became.

At least today her tears were of the more happy variety. Lanie's news regarding Castle's OD is the best she could have hoped for given the circumstances, and being able to share that one little bright spot with Martha and Alexis was huge. Alexis had hugged her _so _hard that Kate's ribs are actually a little sore – the relief, the slight lessening of the teenagers guilt was palpable. Kate knows Alexis still feels completely responsible for her father's depression, but at least now she doesn't have to carry around the terrible thought that she made him so sad he wanted to die.

Martha was less demonstrative in her happiness, but the sudden light in her eyes and the fact that the actress drank only water with dinner were both encouraging signs.

For Kate herself, knowing this was a mistake, knowing it with certainty – it's everything. Not that she would have changed her approach to his recovery if he had meant it, but now her belief in him, her faith that he's reachable, it can stand on firmer ground than just her hopes and desires. She's been blaming herself for this every bit as much as the author's daughter has, and just as Alexis feels a little better – so now does Kate.

It's 2am and as the detective falls into bed she impulsively grabs his laptop from the end of it and drags it under the covers with her. She's ten chapters into Fever Heat now, Rook has bought Nikki's ring and is planning his proposal and as she falls into slumber she takes it all with her into her dreams.

She wakes at 7, her face wet again. Sitting up in the bed she wipes the moisture from her cheeks startled, her heart was soaring mere moments ago in dreamland and reality is a sudden and unwelcome surprise.

Kate's gaze drops to the computer, still under the covers with her like a sharp edged pseudo-teddy bear, and she reaches out to run her fingers over the bed-warmed plastic surface. The images from her dreams are fading from her consciousness and she greedily tries to pull them back to her again. She was Nikki, for last night at least, Detective Nikki Heat, and she'd just become Jameson Rook's fiancee. Rook of course was really Castle, and when he'd asked her to marry him it had felt _so _real she'd cried actual tears of joy into her waking existence. It's overwhelming how much she loves him right now, the wave of it rising up from someplace inside her and rolling through her body leaving her giddy and breathless in it's wake.

She doesn't remember at what point Castle became a fundamental part of her, as much a part as her eye color or her voice but it's there now and it's as tangible as she is.

Without the part of her that belongs to him she's diminished, incomplete, so Kate gets herself out her bed even though it's early and goes right back after it again.

She showers, she dresses, she forces food she can barely taste down her throat and she finishes the remaining five chapters sitting at the counter in the spacious generic kitchen of Castle's rented home. Rook's proposal is the last part of the book that exists, and while the proposal she dreamed last night was moving, Castle's version is far better.

It would be, of course it would be, he's the writer – and he's a damn fine one. But she's shivering right now because the scenario the author crafted was aimed specifically and precisely and directly at _her._ No other reader would see here what she sees. They'd see a lovely proposal from a man deeply in love, she sees him – Rick Castle – asking her – Kate Beckett – to marry him. Nikki and Rook are merely the foils – what happens in these pages is all meant for her. This whole book is meant just for her, and regardless of the character's names this novel is about them.

Amid the trials of trying to solve a highly complex case Nikki has been run ragged trying to keep up. Rook has been the sounding the board, the 'new' ideas man, the person who keeps her eating and supplied with coffee and mind-blowing sex when she starts to lose herself to the darkness. He's the anchor, the comic relief, the back-up Heat can rely on and while he's doing all this Rook comes up with and discards at least five different ways of asking Nikki to be his wife. They start off outlandish and huge, and to Kate they are clearly what Castle himself used in the past. There's the balloon ride and the helicopter ride and the outrageously expensive dinner at the impossible-to-get-into restaurant. These are the old Castle, the showy Castle, who would buy a huge rock costing tens of thousands of dollars and sky-write his love for all Manhattan to see.

Rook considers and rules out each of these ideas because while they might have suited him they don't reflect who Nikki is at all. In the end he goes for simple and genuine and it's in the thought behind Nikki's ring that Castle really has it down.

Kate re-reads it for the third time, the screen misty before her.

"_Nik it's late, you're hungry and burnt out and I don't know about you but I could really use a breath of fresh air. Come with me . . . the board will still be there in the morning." Rook brushes the hair off the nape of Nikki's neck, his lips pepper kisses over the sensitive exposed skin and Nikki closes her eyes to just enjoy the sensation, the tension in her shoulders giving a little, the way it always does when he's near._

_She shoots Rook a tired grin, nodding and accepting that she's going to get no further tonight and pushing herself out of her chair she grabs her jacket and her phone. She slides her arm through Rook's and allows him to lead her from the precinct. He doesn't spend much time here, but she confesses that she kinda likes it when he does._

_The evening air is a little chilly, summer is fading and fall is almost here, but the air outside the confines of the station is a welcome reminder of the life of the city. Sometimes Nikki finds that she needs this, to simply get out into the city when staring at death all day begins to wear on her. She's surprised when Rook steers them north, towards the park, but she's happy in his company, in the fact that they don't always need to talk to communicate. The simple pleasure of his proximity resets her tired psyche back to normal in minutes – he's good for her, and after all their trials she finally allows herself to know this._

_The park is quiet, few people, lit by moonlight it's an oasis of calm, in the heart of the city. It speaks of nature and life and though she's been called to more than one body-dump within its perimeter Nikki never feels that death can touch this place. _

"_I love the park." She whispers to him, resting her head for a moment against his broad shoulder._

"_I know." Rook whispers back. "And I love you." He pulls away from her a moment and turns to face her, the shadows casting across his face obscure his features until he steps closer, and smiles. His gaze is silver in the moonlight, and he reaches into his pocket pulling a small box free which he places in the center of his hand. Her eyes widen, she's frozen still and a hush descends around them as if the city itself is watching._

"_I love you more than I believed it was possible to love someone Nik. For you I would do, and be and give anything – just to see your face light up in a smile. What's grown between us since we met is a richer friendship than I've ever shared before, you're my best friend – as well as my girl, and I never want to lose that. I know I've given you reasons in the past to lose faith in me, but I promise you I will never give you cause for that again. My life will only be all it can be if I can share the remainder of it – every day of it with you. So I'm asking you to marry me – Nikki Heat – my heart is already yours forever, if you'll have it, so is my hand."_

_Rook opens the ring box and all Nikki's breath rushes out of her body at the sweet and simple perfection of the ring nestled inside. A simple band of gold, with channel-set princess diamonds that encircle the entire length. More delicate diamonds are gypsy-set into the sides for detail, it's perfect and un-showy and resoundingly her. And it's this simple choice of his that tells her this right. That he didn't choose what he thought she should have, instead he bought her something he knew she would wear. A full band signaling a commitment for eternity, a commitment she suddenly knows in her heart she's already made._

"_Yes." Nikki says decidedly. And the look on Rook's face tells her everything of happiness as he grabs her up in his arms, and spins her around and around and around."_

There is no more for her to read, nothing further to be gleaned and Beckett is amazed that Castle had her character answer Rook so quickly – there must still be a third of the novel for him left to complete and if he stopped here – this is happy, this is perfect, and she just _knows_ that when Rick wrote this he was feeling positive. This is his heart, his feelings on the page – there is no trace of despair within his words.

_Damn it Rick – why did you stop here? It's so beautiful – I would have seen it – I would have understood what you were saying with it._

She would have caved instantly. She knows it. She would have gotten to this point and she would have come to him – confessed everything – begged him to give her another chance.

Kate closes the laptop and pushes away from the counter, standing she goes hunting for Martha, finding the matriarch on the terrace of her room. Castle's mother looks like she slept better last night; she greets the detective with a warm smile.

"Kate darling, how goes the sleuthing?"

"His book is wonderful Martha – two thirds of his best novel yet and then it just stops. I need your help; I need to know what he was doing in the day before he quit writing it. Where he went, who he spoke to, who he might have spoken too – and I need his phone Martha. Rick never goes anywhere without his phone, it's practically welded to his palm under normal circumstances – I can trace his movements with it – with your permission."

The actress doesn't immediately respond, but her smile warms further before she slowly gets to her feet.

"What?" Kate asks her puzzled.

The older woman envelops Kate in a hug and then kisses the surprised detective soundly on the forehead.

"Seriously . . . what?" Kate asks her again.

"Nothing – really . . . it's just Richard always says you are the finest detective he's ever seen, you blew past his password in a day, you figured out the message in his book already too – didn't you." Martha says with a knowing smile.

"You've read it?' Kate asks surprised.

Martha shakes her head, taps her finger against her skull. "I'm his mother sweetheart, and I'll get you his phone, but first I have something to show you – I know you believe you can bring Richard back from this, but just in case . . . he would want you to know."

Castle's mother passes Kate and pulls from her dresser drawer a small box, she hands it to Kate.

Beckett opens the box and reacts the way her alter ego did when she saw it.

"Martha . . . its Nikki's ring." She whispers.

Martha shakes her head. "No Kate." She says gently. "Richard designed it and had it made a year ago - an impulsive act on his part to be sure, but regardless - it was always his intention that one day . . . he would give this to you.


	8. Far Away

**A/N. Thanks again a million, million times to all of you supporting this story – you guys are the best – you make my day! A lot of you seem worried whether this story will end well – I make you this promise – it will! I love Castle far, far too much to give him anything less than the happy ending he deserves. **

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><p><strong>Chapter Eight:<strong> Far Away.

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><p>She gives the ring back to Martha almost immediately, truly surprised when her fingers prove highly reluctant to release it. It isn't hers unless it comes from him – along with a question that there is only one possible response too.<p>

Martha takes it with a small nod, returning the box to its hiding place in her dresser drawer.

_It's a strange place for Castle to keep it. _

Kate thinks. The she thinks it again – it's a very strange place for Castle to keep it.

"Martha . . . Why is in it here?" Beckett asks.

The actress turns. "Why is what here darling?"

"The ring. Why is it here? Why isn't it hidden in Castle's room, or locked up in a safe? Why is it in here?" The detective clarifies.

Castle's mother looks thoughtful. "It _was_ in his room – originally. In New York it was in the safe in his office. When we left . . . I guess Richard wanted it with him for some reason and I've caught him staring at it more than once since we've been living here. It's in here now because I found it on the lawn the morning after Richard . . . after the overdose."

Beckett's stomach does a cartwheel and she gets an awful feeling that she knows exactly how it got there. "Show me." She tells the author's mother. "I need you to show me exactly where you found it."

Martha leads her through the house and out through the French doors in the dining room and into the rear garden. A large manicured lawn gives way to a patio surrounding a pool at the far end; Martha takes Kate to an area on the far left side – the house rearing up behind them.

"Here." She tells the detective. "It was lying about here."

Kate stands in the spot and looks back at the house, eyes scanning the upper level trying to get her bearings. The window to her guest room is on the far left as she looks at the building now. Martha's room is the one in the middle, the terrace off her room comes out over the dining room below. Kate points to the windows on the far right. "Whose room is that?" She asks.

"Richard's." His mother replies.

Beckett's stomach cartwheels again, it sucks to be right sometimes. "You found it out here because he threw it away." She tells the red-head.

Martha shakes her head vehemently. "Impossible. It meant too much to him, it represented . . . "The actress trails off. "Oh." She says. "Kate I don't understand."

Another piece of her timeline settles into its spot on her mental crime board. Sometime before the night he overdosed, Castle threw from his window the ring he'd designed and had made for her. Exactly how long before is impossible to know, but Beckett knows Martha is right on one score, this ring was precious to her ex-partner, he would only dispose of it if he believed all hope of them reconciling was extinguished.

"He stopped writing because of me." Kate says, thinking out loud and staring at the house as if she'll suddenly find the building can show her a replay of what occurred the night of his collapse. Of course the building can't do that, so she'll do what Castle has taught her to do – she'll tell the story.

"He learned something." She says, staring at the windows of his bedroom as she paces the lush grass, springy beneath her feet. "Something he didn't believe at first . . . but it hurt him, it was enough to stop him writing – enough to cause him to stop taking the anti-depressants and begin to withdraw. He lives with this knowledge for a few weeks, tries to assimilate it but it doesn't work and the night he overdoses he's sick of trying to live with it – he just wants it to stop for a little while. A respite – that's all he needs – but he's been drinking and so when he decides to try the pills too – anything to make the pain lessen, he misjudges the appropriate amount and he OD's. Leaving him in the coma."

Martha looks at her in horror. "That's what you think happened?" She asks.

Kate turns her attention to the older woman. "Castle always says that there is a story – a series of events that links everything together – makes it all makes sense . . . you just have to find it. So we take what we know for sure and we build a theory – and we proceed on that theory until it either no longer fits or new pieces of the puzzle add to or change it. With what we know – this story explains what happened, and it fits Martha, with what I know of Rick. He's the eternal optimist in his heart – but even he eventually hits a wall. The question still remains – what was the wall?" She explains.

Martha looks thoughtful and then joins in. "You – something to do with you is the wall. He disposes of the engagement ring, something he's had for a year, something he created only for you. He wants to marry you Kate – he's wanted to a long time but it's never even been the right time for you two to get together." Martha smiles wryly and shakes her head. "My son – the only man I know who wants to make a lifetime commitment to a woman he's never even kissed!"

Beckett blushes – and it doesn't escape the actresses notice.

"Something you want to add in here Kate?" She says impishly.

"We kissed – once – to distract a guard when we were on a rescue mission – we were undercover." Kate explains, as if it's nothing.

Martha isn't fooled. "How was it?" She asks.

The detective looks horrified, no-way she's discussing this with Castle's _mother._

"No really – how was it? If you felt nothing Kate – it's okay." Martha says.

"Fine! If you must know . . . it was . . . breathtaking. I've wanted to repeat it ever since." Kate confesses.

The author's mother smiles. "That's what I thought." She says. "You two really are a matched pair; hopeless – the both of you."

Kate nods, they are hopeless, and that's why they're currently in this mess – so Kate refocuses on getting them out.

"So . . . Castle learns something relating to me that makes him think . . . " Kate trails off as a startling thought suddenly dawns on her. "He thinks it's now impossible that he could ever marry me . . . the only thing that would make that true is if I was married to someone else." She says in a rush.

_When it comes to marriage I'm more of a 'one-and-done kinda girl._

They barely knew each other when she told him that, but she's learned these last three years that he never forgets anything, especially not when it comes to her, he remembers every, tiny, little, detail.

Can it be true? Why . . . what could have happened to make Castle think she was married?

"I never told him Josh and I broke up." Eyes wide with horror Kate stares at Martha.

"OK. But why would Richard think you'd married Josh – if that's what happened?" The red-head responds.

"Because someone told him I did; someone who wanted him to move on and forget me – once and for all." Beckett replies.

The actress looks fearful when she says, "Alexis?"

_It fits._ Kate thinks – their whole separation _was_ Alexis' idea in the first place – but it also doesn't make sense. The teenager came all the way to New York to bring Kate back with her, and Kate is sure that if Alexis had gone that far – she would have told Kate about it. And besides – surely Castle wouldn't just have taken his daughter's word for it – he'd have checked, wouldn't he? He'd have found out for himself if it was true.

Shaking her head Kate says, "I don't think it was Alexis, Martha. She would have confessed it to me; I don't think she's held anything back. And it's just a theory – I mean it works, and it makes an awful lot of sense, but I just don't see how he would have fallen for it without researching it."

Martha nods. "Richard would research – he always does." She says. "Kate . . . maybe he did." She adds.

Kate resumes her pacing. "If that's true – whoever told him the lie was prepared to back it up. But God's know how they did it."

Kate gets no further when her cell phone goes off and shooting an apologetic glance at Martha; the detective pulls it out and answers it. "Beckett."

"_Detective this is Dr. Barlow . . . I've been trying to reach Ms. Rogers and Miss Castle . . . I'm afraid I have some bad news. Are you able to contact them?"_

Kate's heart literally pauses in her chest. "I'm with Martha now."

"_Perhaps you should come to the hospital with her. I'm afraid Mr. Castle's condition has deteriorated somewhat . . . we've stabilized him, but his airway collapsed thirty minutes ago and he's currently not breathing un-assisted. I was afraid this might happen and I have to be honest with you – this is not encouraging."_

Kate's heart thumps erratically. _No Rick. Please don't do this._

"We'll be right there." She tells Castle's physician.

Turning to his mother she tries to mask the terror running through her veins, tries . . . but Martha sees everything.

"What? Oh God! It's Richard isn't it – what's happened to my son?" The plea in the older woman's tone sends ice down Kate's spine.

"They've stabilized him Martha – but we should go. Castle's . . . Rick's not breathing by himself anymore." She says as gently as she can.


	9. Hell Hath No Fury

**A/N. Happy Castle Day everyone. You all as freaked out and excited as me about 'Rise' tonight? Good. Glad to know I'm among friends. I have a feeling I'm going to love it and hate it and be a drained mushy mess by the end of it. Damn the genius that is Andrew Marlowe! Here's to season 4!**

**Chapter Nine:** Hell Hath No Fury.

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><p>Alexis meets them at the hospital, face pale and eyes tortured, she comes flying in to Castle's room in a blur of white skin and red hair. She runs right into Martha's arms – taking a minute to seek solace from her grandmother before turning to Kate for information.<p>

Beckett is used to people looking to her to be the strong one – looking for guidance. It started when she was nineteen and had to hold her father together instead of the other way around. For a few years on the force she got to lean on others, she was the rookie but her advancement up the ladder was extremely quick and by twenty eight she was a lead homicide investigator.

Just for once, and especially right now she wishes she didn't have to be the one keeping her emotions in check, being the stoic leader at the focus of the group. She can feel the cracks in her facade. She's too close to losing him and if he dies all she can see is the abyss. If he dies she'll welcome it – let it swallow her whole.

"Kate . . . what's going on?" Alexis's voice is twisted and unrecognizable.

"He's stable . . . but he's having trouble breathing on his own." She tells the girl.

It's a synopsis, brief and true but tells nothing of the real story. Dr. Barlow was candid with Kate; this is a very bad sign and seriously points the finger at brain damage Rick is never going to recover from. She doesn't believe it – she can't, she would feel it if he were no longer there. She looks at him and sees only the shell, spark absent, but the spark is here, flickering around her, waiting to be reborn. She can't explain it, and maybe it's just her own foolish stubborn hopes, but she can't think of him any other way.

Castle is the most alive person she's ever known. It radiates out of him, it dances in his smile lighting up the whole world – and the world knows. Surely it won't let him die – not here, not now and not like this – the world needs him.

Kate needs him.

"What are they going to do?" The teenager asks her. "How are they going to get him breathing for himself again?"

Beckett asked Dr. Barlow the same question – and didn't like the answer.

"They wait." She responds, the apology in her green eyes.

The author's daughter shakes her head. "That's it? That's all they can do. That's all they've been doing. That's all we've been doing – I want my Dad back." Alexis bows her head, her hands in fists and she fights her reactions, holding herself rigid.

Kate hesitates for a moment and then reaches out to gently lay her hand on the young woman's shoulder – she squeezes, silently hoping the girl will find some comfort in the gesture. She can't do more at this point; she's as fragile as a hollow eggshell herself and no-one benefits if she breaks.

Alexis rides out the storm and when she stops trembling she smiles a quick smile at the detective, let's Kate know her silent support is enough for now.

"Can I stay with him awhile – by myself – if you don't mind?" The girl asks.

Kate nods. "You don't need to ask for permission Alexis – he's your father. We'll be outside." She replies.

Half an hour of pacing the corridor beyond his room while Martha worries her lip and wrings her hands, and the pure frustration of doing nothing is too much for Beckett. It occurs to her that she's got Castle's phone tucked into her pocket – she could be trying to learn something from it. So pulling the device out she tries to turn it on only to face another level of frustration when she realizes the battery has long since lost its charge – unused as it's been in the month since he's been in the hospital.

"Damn it." She murmurs under her breath. Her eyes dart down the corridor towards the nurses' station; someone here has to have an i-phone charger on them surely. So Beckett excuses herself to Martha and barely manages to prevent herself from running the length of the hallway in her haste to be doing _something_ productive.

The nurse presently managing the station is one she's never seen before, and Kate experiences a fleeting urge to be 'Detective Beckett' and demand cooperation before she settles on simply being herself and pleading for help. Five minutes later and Dr. Barlow himself has lent her what she needs, and Kate heads back in the direction of Castle's room and in search of a power outlet she can use. As luck would have it there's one right outside his door and Kate settles herself in a chair next to Martha and plugs the phone in.

"What are you looking for darling?" The actress inquires, peering over Kate's shoulder with eyes that beg both to be included and to be given something to do.

As the phone screen finally lights up the detective responds. "I'm looking for his recent call list – seeing if our theory could be born out by who it is that he's talked to recently."

Martha hums what Kate assumes is approval and then she's absorbed by the screen she needs and the records it contains. Rick last used his phone to call someone the day prior to his overdose but the only person he spoke to that day appears to be Alexis.

The days before that he spoke to Gina, Martha and Alexis – it seems he talks to Alexis a lot according to his phone. There's nothing in the list that helps and Kate is about to give credence to the idea that maybe Alexis did convince him she'd gotten married when the girl herself appears.

"I can't . . . I can't stay in there anymore." Alexis whispers, "I feel like another piece of Dad just disappeared." The expression in her earnest blue eyes is the same one Kate keeps seeing in the mirror – and just like that Kate just _knows_ Alexis has told her everything she can.

Martha rises and folds her granddaughter into a hug and Beckett makes a decision. "I'll stay with him Alexis, tonight I mean. I'll talk to him, keep him company – go and get some rest."

The teenager manages a watery facsimile of a smile. "Would you? Thank you Kate – I'll feel better if he isn't alone . . . I just can't do it right now – all that apparatus just makes it all seem so hopeless."

"You can't give into that." Beckett tells her sternly. "None of us can give into that okay. If it were you in that hospital bed – would your father quit believing?" The detective asks.

Alexis finds a real smile this time, shaking her head. "Never." She responds.

"So neither can we." Kate leans in and impulsively kisses the younger woman on her forehead as she borrows from her absentee ex-partner and whispers, "Hang in there pumpkin."

Alexis closes her eyes at the phrase, and when they re-open Kate can see fresh resolve in their crystal depths. "Thanks Kate." The teenager tells her before turning back to her grandmother and asking to be taken home.

"You'll call?" Martha asks.

Beckett nods. "If anything changes I promise."

"And you'll be alright alone? Can I do anything to help?" The actress asks.

"I won't be alone – Rick will be with me." Beckett states firmly. "And besides, I'm just going to keep digging through his phone – maybe his email will tell me something – now go." She urges, "Spend some time together – maybe fill Alexis in on what we think might have caused Castle's withdrawal – just in case he mentioned something to her – something that maybe didn't make much sense at the time."

The older woman looks surprised and then relieved as she understands that Beckett is acquitting Alexis of any further part in this. She nods. "Yes. Good idea . . . I'll do that."

"You two want to tell me what's going on?" Alexis pipes in.

Martha nods. "Come on kiddo – I'll fill you in on the drive home. Let's give Kate and your Dad some time together." The actress steers her granddaughter away and Kate, grabs for Castle's phone, and the charger, before she steals herself to brave his room once more.

Taking a seat beside him she can't help feel that Alexis is somewhat right. The breathing tube and the apparatus clustered around the author's bed make his situation seem far more dire and distressing than when it was just a silent heart monitor. His hand feels a little cool when she wraps hers around it and Beckett bites the inside of her lip to keep from crying. Tears aren't going to help him – and they make her feel like she's mourning him when he's still right here. Talk. That's what she's supposed to be doing, so she squeezes on his hand and tells him she's there.

"Some stunt Castle – quitting breathing on us." She tells him without humor. "You want dramatic . . . I propose you wake-up now instead."

His chest rises and falls to the artificial rhythm of the machine and the urge to shake him awake tightens her hand on his.

"Damn it Rick. Why didn't you call me? I think I've figured out what caused your breakdown and if I'm right it was all a lie Rick. A vicious lie!"

His chest rises again, with nothing of him behind it.

"You know. If we get you out of this, you and me, we've got to work on our communication because though we can have entire conversations without actually saying a word, when it comes to our feelings we're complete cowards Rick. Both of us; waiting until its life or death to confess what's inside our hearts – never again okay – look where it gets us. I'll tell you I love you every single day for the rest of your life if you'll come back to me Castle. I swear it."

His face remains blank as the machine 'breathes' for him again and anger bubbles in her chest. Needing an outlet for it she picks up his phone again. Though she knows she and Alexis and even Castle himself are all partially to blame for this, when she finds the person behind the lethal lie – Kate knows she'll be ready to commit murder.

She opens the mail application on Castle's phone and waits while it finds and logs onto the hospital's wifi. Messages start to download but Kate's not interested in the ones coming in, she's interested in the ones from before the coma. Damn the man gets a lot of email – and the wifi is super slow, but methodically Beckett finds the day of the overdose and then systematically begins to work backwards.

When she finds it she can't get a breath and the one trapped inside her chest whooshes out in fury as her lungs paralyze themselves in shock. The email is simply entitled 'You asked for proof', and then there's a scan of a newspaper article dated the week before Rick OD'd. She can barely read it on the tiny phone screen so she turns the phone sideways and enlarges the print – the headline comes into view.

'_Muse Marries Life-Saver'._

Beckett feels nausea rise, beneath the headline the article begins . . . .

_NYPD Detective Kate (Nikki Heat) Beckett – long time inspiration to 'Master-of-the-Macabre' author Richard Castle – today married her long-time boyfriend Dr. Josh Davidson in an intimate and heartfelt gathering of family and friends. Dr. Davidson, a top cardiac surgeon at New York Presbyterian Hospital, recently had to perform life-saving open-heart surgery on his fiance when she was shot at the funeral for NYPD Captain Roy Montgomery. The bride appeared to be fully-recovered thanks to the skills of her new husband and looked radiant in her simply stunning Nicole Miller sheath dress. Noticeably absent from the guest list was Richard Castle himself, but when questioned the bride would only say that her former shadow was currently busy with his daughter in California and therefore had been unable to attend. . . ._

Eyes swimming, Beckett can't read anymore. Taking one look who the email came from she finds herself reeling because she would never have suspected, she's only met the woman once – barely - but the next time they meet Kate is going to kill her . . . it's as simple as that. She's going to gets her hands on Paula Haas - and when she does, Castle's agent better start praying because it is not going to be pretty.


	10. Obsession

**A/N: Thank you guys – every single one of you – again I ask you to forgive the group thanks for all the amazing responses and comments you have bestowed on this story – I have like NO time and my other story has been sadly neglected because I can't seem to let up on this one – but I still want each of you know how amazing you are, that you take the time to encourage me as a writer and let me know that my little attempt at storytelling is appreciated. **

**Chapter Ten: **Obsession

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><p>Beckett doesn't allow the receptionist to announce her or find a way to deny her admittance; she just glares ferociously at the shiny young woman behind the oversized desk and pushes her way past and into the office beyond it.<p>

To her credit, Paula Haas has the good sense to noticeably pale when she sees who has come calling on her when she's barely even arrived at work this morning. The dark-haired literary agent is half way through a greeting when Kate rounds her desk, pulls the woman out of her seat by her shirt collar and throws her up against the wall with astonishing force.

"You conniving bitch – I hope you're sorry for what you've done because I seriously intend to make you pay for it." The detective growls at her.

Paula tries to move but Beckett is taller, faster, stronger and professionally trained in the art of restraining people. The agent is pinned like a bug and she's going nowhere unless Beckett allows her too.

Paula throws a glance over Kate's shoulder and begs her assistant to call security at the same time Beckett calls to the woman, "NYPD business, and trust me sweetheart you want no part of it – understand me?" She asks, eyebrow raised in warning. Paula's blonde assistant nods and retreats, the quiet snick of the door behind her signaling her compliance.

Beckett turns back to Castle's agent. "I just want to know why?" She demands.

Paula stubbornly says nothing. Kate loosens her grip momentarily and then throws the woman against the wall again, finding the impact of the other woman's body against the drywall strangely therapeutic.

"I said I want to know why? And if it's the last thing you do you're going to explain this to me. If your lies and manipulations cost me the man I love you will never have a moment's peace Paula. Believe me when I say this – because I will dog you the remainder of your days if I lose him." The detective snarls, her face barely an inch from the other woman's.

Paula swallows and from this distance Kate can read the 'tells' on the woman's face clearly. She can see the desire to plead ignorance cross the agents mind, closely followed by the desire to try and threaten her way out of this. Kate tightens her grip on Paula's clothing and then to the detective's surprise the woman goes limp and her pale blue eyes fill with tears. Sagging against Kate, the agent begins to sob and realizing that the woman isn't going to put up much fight Kate simply let's her go. Watching as the woman slides down the wall and ends up seated, her legs sprawled under her like Bambi.

Kate is a highly empathetic and compassionate woman by nature, but the sight of this woman's distress doesn't move her even an inch.

"I'm still waiting for an answer Paula. I read the e-mails you sent him. I read the expertly crafted 'fake' newspaper article too – who'd you pay off for help on that huh? I know _what_ you did . . . and we both know what happened as a result. So now you're going to give me the _why_ – because I really can't figure it out." The detective tells her. "I mean he was writing, and the new book was good – beyond good, what he'd completed of it was some of his finest writing ever so you didn't do this out of some misguided notion that it would get him working again." Kate tells her, pausing she waits for Paula to speak up, to add something, but the woman's head remains down, hanging, her sobs unending, so Beckett continues.

"He's under contract for a fourth Nikki Heat novel – a contract you drew up – so you know he has to complete that before he can leave the character behind – so it isn't that."

Still Paula gives Beckett nothing.

"So I just don't get it Paula – why would you tell him I got married? He'd already been kicked out of my life – what more . . . ." Beckett stops mid-sentence as the agent finally looks up and Kate sees the reason swimming in the other woman's agonized eyes.

"Oh. My. God." Kate whispers – horrified by the sudden realization. "You did this because you're in love with him!"

The abject misery in Paula's eyes, the devastated guilt in the lines of her face are all the confirmation Beckett needs; anger whooshes out of her body to be replaced by complete confusion and though she hesitates a moment, she finally takes a seat next to Castle's agent on the floor.

Paula continues to sob, and for ten minutes Beckett just keeps her company, wanting to hold onto her fury at the woman, but finding it diluted by her own experiences of watching Castle with other women. Not that she would _ever_ have lied to him this way, not for any reason, but Kate vividly recalls the pain of knowing he was sleeping with Gina the summer he left her behind for the Hamptons.

Finally Paula composes herself.

"He gave me a chapter – once." She mumbles around a hiccup.

Kate's forehead creases around a frown. "I'm sorry – what?"

"He slept with me, just the one time. One night on a book tour in Europe – Ibiza – he was doing press to promote 'Storm's Break', and . . . . Rick and I ended up in bed together. It was the best night of my life! There's a chapter in 'Storm Fall' . . . my chapter . . . that was all he gave me. But you . . . you get three best-sellers. I've been his agent for fifteen years! Seen wife number two come and go and freaking come back again and women – let me tell you something Detective Beckett – there has been a very long line of women. All of them meant less than nothing – and I was always there – I was the only constant – waiting for years for him to grow up. And then you came along. I didn't think anything of it at first, until I read 'Heat Wave', but I thought he'd get it out of his system soon enough. You'd fall for his charm, fall into his bed . . . and he'd be over it. Because he _always_ gets over it, no-one ever holds his attention for long unless their name is Alexis."

Paula pauses in her narrative and Kate finds her anger seeping back.

"None of this explains why you told him I'd married Josh. For God's sake Paula – we'd been apart for months – when we'd never even really gotten together – why did you do it? Wasn't he dealing with enough?"

Paula sighs. "You've read what there is of 'Fever Heat' – you already know the answer."

The detective shakes her head in frustration. "Not good enough." She says.

"He was proposing!" Paula yells suddenly. "He told me – he actually told me what he intended to do with this novel. I mean – for God's sake - you'd kicked him to the curb. His daughter had obviously dragged him to the other side of the country to get him away from you and still the man won't quit. He's not supposed to love _you_ like that. He's not supposed to miss _you_ like that. Your partnership was done; all he had to do was write the last Nikki Heat and forget you even existed. But he wasn't going to do that – he was going to write you a novel the entire purpose of which was to ask you to marry him – to take him back. I had to stop him . . . if he was ever going to look and truly see me – he had to stop living his life around you!"

Kate stares at the book agent open-mouthed. "You took his _hope_ away. You had to know he was already dealing with depression and you stole away his hope. If Rick dies it's on _your_ head Paula – you're the one who pushed him over the edge." She says bitterly. "If you truly loved him, all you'd want is for him to be happy." She adds vehemently.

"Like you – you mean." Paula retorts.

"Yes damn it. I gave him up when it was the last thing I wanted – I did it so he'd be safe. So his daughter wouldn't have to run the risk of losing him. I did it out of love – to protect him – it was _never_ what I wanted, but I did it anyway. I might have been a coward about my feelings, but it was Castle I was thinking about. What you did – you did for yourself. For your selfish purposes – that isn't love Paula – that's obsession."

Paula's eyes are cold – even filling with fresh tears. "He was supposed to be mine – I wanted him to be mine." She says –as if it justifies everything.

Kate shakes her head, pushing herself to her feet she extends her hand to Paula and pulls the woman into a standing position, she feels her fist ball and without her conscious permission the punch connects with Paula's face sending the woman sprawling on the floor once more.

"It's not about you." Kate spits at her. "He isn't property you can own, or a prize you can win. His heart is his to give – his love a gift he bestows. _His _choice – always his."

Paula rubs the side of her bruising face. "For what it's worth . . . I am sorry – if I'd known how he'd react . . . I honestly thought it was the only way to make him let you go. I didn't want anything bad to happen to him – please believe that."

Feeling hollow now, Beckett turns to leave.

"I'm going now." She replies. "But I'm warning you Paula, stay away from him – and while you're at it start praying that there's still some way I can undo the damage you've done. And God help your soul if there isn't."

Beckett slams the door behind her as she leaves her 'culprit' in her wake. But in the aftermath of their encounter everything comes crashing down on Kate. She's been running on the detective work, surviving the situation by figuring out what happened to Rick and just as importantly why – but now that she knows - everything is still the same. Castle is still comatose. Still not breathing on his own . . . still on the verge of . . . Kate's brain just freezes . . . she's completely lost now – she doesn't have a clue what to do next.

Her phones rings before her mind can get any further.

"Beckett." She answers automatically.

"Darling it's Martha." Comes down the phone line, and Kate's hands immediately start shaking.

"What is it? What's wrong?" She barks out, wondering if this is the moment when she tumbles off the edge sanity as the universe collapses around her.

"You need to get back here Kate . . . oh the most wonderful . . . well not the _most_ wonderful . . . but pretty good . . . a really good second . . . "Martha is rambling and Kate's psyche is fracturing under the strain of it.

"Martha _please_." She interjects.

"He's breathing." The actress almost sings. "They don't know what happened but he suddenly started fighting the tube and he's breathing all by himself."

Beckett's heart leaps. _Rick! Rick._

"So he's waking up?" The detective asks.

"Not yet. But this is the first positive sign, his first step forward towards that since this all began darling – so get back here okay – Richard needs you." Castle's mother responds.

Life left turns again and Kate goes from lost to found in an instant as she replies. "I'm already on my way."


	11. Objects In Space

**A/N: Thanks you guys again - love you all - angst break ahead.  
><strong>

**Chapter Eleven: **Objects in Space.

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><p><em>Five weeks earlier . . . .<em>

The scotch in his hand sloshes onto his bedroom floor as his hand shakes, and he tries in vain to steady it before giving up on the idea and sinking shakily onto the bed. Castle downs what remains in the glass and closes his cobalt eyes willing himself to hold it together.

He's not a quitter. He's not a weak person. But he's been through so much these last three years and the depth to which he's fallen in love is not something he ever saw coming. He knew love before her – at least he thought he did – but the way she makes him feel, the despair and the depression and the devastation he's trying to cope with right now, this tells him that he never had a clue about love before Kate Beckett – and he wishes with all his heart he still didn't know now.

He wishes they'd never met – truly – and even that thought depresses him further because until tonight he can't believe he ever would have thought that. That her memory could ever be something he would be glad to live without – but it's true.

How is he supposed to move past this – when he knows this is going to hurt forever?

When Kate was shot it felt like the world was physically ending, and then the doctors were able to save her, and Castle remembers he was never so thankful for something in his life. He figured, he'd said it – he'd told her, and now that she knew, maybe they'd move forwards and Josh would cease to be an obstacle. Kate didn't love Josh – he wasn't certain how he knew this – but he knew it, he could feel it, the evidence was there in everything motorcycle boy didn't know about her.

Castle feels like it's going to kill him that he was wrong – because Kate wouldn't marry someone she didn't love.

And Kate Beckett just got married.

When Paula told him – well warned him actually – he didn't at first believe it - after all he'd told Paula what he was trying to do. He didn't blame Kate for kicking him out of her life – every reason she'd given why she wanted him gone was true. He _did _drag her mother's case up again. He _did _keep her from standing beside Roy Montgomery the night he died. She _did_ have to shoot Dick Coonan because Rick was dumb enough to get in the way . . . so he _was _the one who stuck her in the cross-hairs of the snipers rifle – not one part of any of this does he dispute. But he'd done all of it with the best of intentions and he figured with time, and if he could just put into words how much she meant to him – she'd forgive him. She'd let him come back. She'd give him another chance to prove himself worthy of her – he's been holding onto this hope to get him through – and now that hope is gone.

For a couple of weeks he just couldn't get it to sink in. So he'd need proof he'd told Paula – everyone back at the 12th precinct in New York was off-limits to him – and he was too damaged right now to call Beckett himself, but when proof came – and he's read the damn article maybe thirty times – instead of helping it's drowning him – he can hardly breathe.

His state of mind is beginning to scare him – if feels like everyday another part of who he is disappears. His daughter and his mother look at him with perpetually anxious eyes, and he wants to tell them not to worry but since he got the 'news' he doesn't waste his breath.

Castle presses his fists into his eyes, this is useless, and he's going to have to find a way to cope. Tomorrow he'll start taking the anti-depressants again – after all they helped him order the chaos of his thoughts into words, he might not have the novel any longer – there is no point completing it now, but maybe they can help him calm down while he let's the reality of his future sink in.

The bottle of pills is still sitting by his bed. Screw tomorrow – he'll start tonight – he'll start right now, he's got to get everything back under _his_ control!

Does he take one? Or is it two? He feels like crap and he just wants to feel better – it's been . . . . Its week's right? . . . Since he felt better. He'll go with three pills then, and some more scotch – he'll get some sleep; maybe he'll be able to breathe again in the morning? He just needs to be able to take a breath that doesn't ache.

Morning never comes. He just keeps dreaming and the dreams . . . the dreams don't hurt. Kate is there. She travels with him wherever his mind wanders, so he lives out his fantasies in her company and he's happy again. It feels so good to be free of the pain that it takes him . . . actually he has no idea how long it takes him because time isn't linear anymore. His mind jumps here, and then here, and from one scenario to another and the seasons come and then they change in an instant, and it's only when he wonders why he's been dreaming so long that it occurs to him something is not okay.

It occurs to him that he has a choice.

He can stay here – live this way – his mind is a fertile playground – always has been - he can remain with 'dream Kate' or he can 'wake up'.

But waking up is painful. That's the real world out there – and the real world sucks. The real world is full of loss, and cold hard truths like the one he's been running to escape. Kate Beckett is . . . not his. She'll never be his.

He drowns – even in dreams and blackness – nothingness – numbness is so enticing.

His daughter's pleading voice from somewhere – it calls him back. It tethers him, while he blinks in the black – holding truths like objects in space – until he takes a breath – once more on his own.

He can do this. He will do this. Maybe he'll never be who he was before. Maybe he'll never be happy. But what if Alexis is happy? What if Kate . . . even if she's gone from his life forever, he can let his knowledge of her happiness be enough can't he?

He can find the strength within himself to let 'dream-Kate' go.

Richard Castle opens his eyes and damn it sure is bright out here.

There is a weight on his chest and something soft beneath his fingers. He looks down and wonders how 'dream-Kate' escaped out here into the real world because she's lying alongside and partially on top of him. Her face turned up to his and his hand he notices idly is buried in her hair. Her eyes are crazy-green and wide with – is she crying?

Rick is confused, all he can think to say is, "What are you doing here?"

Moisture spills, slides down pale cheeks and then her lips are on his and he's damn sure he must be dreaming again because she keeps saying it over and over between the moments when she's kissing him.

"I love you . . . God I love you . . . Rick I love you . . ." and all he can think is that maybe he's not ready to let 'dream-Kate' go after all.


	12. Explanations

**A/N. Thanks to everyone reading again. And in case you were wondering – yes there is still a little ways to go yet.**

**Chapter Twelve:** Explanations.

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><p>Considering how many tears Kate has shed the last week or so, she could not be happier than to be crying right now. Castle is looking at her with confusion in his bright blue gaze, but he's <em>looking<em> at her – and the miracle of that - Kate doesn't think she'll ever get over it.

She got back to the hospital late last night, her flying visit back to New York to confront Paula Haas accomplished in a day – and thankfully Castle's condition improved while she was away – when she got back, her relief at seeing him without the breathing tube again literally brought her to her knees in the doorway of his room.

She never made it back to Castle's rented California home – a quick call to Martha to let Castle's mother know she had returned, and Kate decided she would simply remain at Rick's bedside for the night. She sat up for hours, her mind thoroughly occupied with all she had discovered about Paula, and torn once more between hating the woman's guts and feeling some sympathy for the agent's plight.

She can't escape her own knowledge of how hard it is to be in love with Castle, but not be with him. How much harder must it have been for Paula after they'd slept together? Kate hasn't been able to let him go and they've never come physically closer than a single kiss – if they'd made love – well frankly it doesn't bear thinking about. Still, for the most part loathing for the woman is definitely winning out – Paula almost cost Rick his life – and for that Kate knows she just has no forgiveness. Not now – probably not ever.

By the time 3AM rolled around Kate had been losing the battle with her exhaustion and the need to somehow be closer to Castle was driving. She'd lain down beside him, feeling safe do so as his bed was wide enough to accommodate the pair of them, and no machines were cluttering things up now that he was once more breathing on his own.

Sometime in the night she'd obviously snuggled even closer, wrapping her arm around his torso as her head migrated to pillow on his chest. She slept well – felt rested even on a few hours for the first time in months and what woke her – might be the most amazing thing ever.

She rose to wakefulness through layers of dreams, and to the soothing feeling of fingers running through the waves of her hair. For a moment she simply enjoyed it, and then the knowledge of her whereabouts and whose fingers were tangled in the heavy silken mass registered. Tipping her head up she sought Castle's face and her breath caught in her chest - his eyes were still closed but his face was no longer a blank, expressionless mask. A smile fluttered around the upturned corners of his mouth and then as his fingers still their caress his eyes opened, blinking furiously as the light hit them for the first time in over a month. Kate waited, too stunned to move, and to frightened to say anything lest it break the moment. Would he still be Castle? Would it suddenly become apparent that he was indeed suffering from brain damage? And then he looks at her – right at her, and the fierce intelligence behind his eyes is still very much there. His voice, when he speaks is quiet, rusty and a little hoarse from disuse but it is still the sweetest sound she's ever heard.

"What are you doing here?" He asks and suddenly Kate can move, she launches herself upwards and starts kissing him, her love for him pouring out of her mouth in the instants when she can manage to drag her mouth from his.

For a couple of minutes that's all she can do, cry, kiss him and tell him how much she loves him, and then the relative lack of response from him permeates the haze of happiness in her brain and Beckett finally pulls back.

There is a long and awkward moment when they stare at each other, Castle is clearly uncomfortable and confused by her behavior and it occurs to Kate that she has no idea what – if anything he remembers.

"You're awake." She says, slipping from the bed and trying not to hate how much the loss of his body heat bothers her and how far she now is from the comfort she felt lying next to him.

He nods and squints his eyes, shielding them from the bright sunlight streaming in the window. It's clear the brightness is bothering him and Kate hurries to pull a curtain over the worst of it, plunging the room into a more comfortable dimness.

"Is that better?" She asks and he nods again.

"I'm in the hospital." He states as he looks around the room, "How long have I been here?"

Kate takes a deep breath before she answers him. "Almost five weeks."

Castle's eyes widen, he looks away and it's clear to Kate he's trying to recall what his last clear memory is.

"I don't remember what happened. Tell me what happened?" He demands.

Kate shakes her head. "I should let Martha and Alexis know you're awake Castle – they've been through a lot the last month." She tells him.

"No." He says firmly. "Why am I in here? Why are you here? It's nice to see you detective, but the last time we spoke . . . "Castle trails off and his eyes fall closed, he squeezes them shut as if trying to block out something very painful.

He's trying to mask his pain in her presence, and Kate cannot stand it, she seats herself next to him and buries her head on his chest.

"I lied to you Castle. I made you leave – I promise to explain why, but I need you to know that I've never been so wrong in my life. I need you to trust me right now okay? You'll get all the answers Rick – all of them, but I need you to tell me what you remember – how much can you recall right now?"

"Eight months without you." He says softly, and Kate risks raising her head to look into his face again.

She palms the side of his face with her left hand, and he captures it, pulling it into his field of vision he scans it – she knows what he's looking for.

"The article was a fake Castle. I'm not married – Josh and I broke up ten months ago – before you even left – I should have told you – I just – I'm so sorry I didn't." She tells him in guilty whisper.

His mouth opens and closes a couple of times before he manages to speak. "I'm not dreaming anymore – am I?" He asks.

Kate pinches him.

"Ow. Okay . . . not dreaming. I don't understand . . . so you need to explain to me Kate. I'm not sure what's real and what's a dream and I still don't know why I'm in here!" He pleads.

"You left New York because I told you we were through. No more partnership, no more friendship – things were done between us – that was nine months ago – roughly – you remember that?" Kate asks.

Castle nods. "Yeah. I remember. I moved to California, to be with Alexis."

"That's right. You started writing a book . . . do you remember anything about it?" Beckett asks next.

Castle nods again. Sadness etches into the lines of his face – clearly though he's not saying he also remembers what the book was for.

"You were battling a pretty bad case of depression during this, but finally things were getting better when Paula told you that I'd gotten married. You didn't take the news well." Kate tells him, wrapping his hand tightly in hers.

Castle looks at her with no trace of humor in his face. "No. No I didn't." He says. "But it's not true?" He asks.

Kate smiles, leans in and rests her forehead on his. "No it's not true; Paula lied to you Rick . . . she had the article faked to back up her story. When you're strong enough you can ask her why – she should be the one to explain her actions. What do you remember after that?"

Castle looks thoughtful. "Dreams. I remember dreams. Images and feelings mostly, everything is fading already. What happened to me Kate? Tell me."

She doesn't want to tell him, because he didn't mean it, but there is no way to protect him from this no matter how much she might like too.

"You OD'd, a mixture of alcohol and anti-depressants in a narrowly toxic dose Castle. It caused problems with your heart and it sent you into seizures that left you in a coma. Your mother found you, you've been in here ever since." She confesses, deliberately sticking to the straight facts and keeping it almost clinically short.

"Five weeks ago." He clarifies.

Kate nods. "Five weeks. Your doctors weren't sure you would ever wake up." She tells him, as gently as she can.

He looks stricken anyway.

"Tell me I didn't do this on purpose . . . I don't remember doing this on purpose." He says his voice breaking as the magnitude of everything sinks in.

"You didn't Castle. This was an accident. Everyone knows this was an accident, and nothing matters except that you're back now." The passion behind her words makes him stare at her.

"But why are you here? Why did you come here?" He questions, his gaze searching her face.

"Because like I told you when you first opened your eyes Rick . . . I love you; I've always loved you and if you'll forgive me for all those terrible things I said to you nine months ago I'll never spend a day apart from you again. I was miserable Castle . . . it wasn't just you suffering I swear. You let your emotions out and I just turned mine off so they wouldn't kill me . . . but I missed you every moment of every damn day."

He smiles and it's like Kate's seeing the sun for the first time. His smile has always had the capacity to leave her slightly giddy, but nine months without seeing it and the intensity of her response blows her away.

"You love me Kate?"

She nods. Bringing his hand up to her mouth she kisses the inside of his wrist.

"You came to get me back?" He asks.

Kate nods again. "Should never have let you go in the first place." She tells him.

"Okay." He replies.

"Okay?" She asks.

Castle nods. "It's a place to start Kate." He says, bringing her hand to his mouth and repeating her gesture by touching his lips to her wrist this time. Heat shoots down her arm and widens her eyes.

"I'd like to see Alexis now." He says, closing his eyes and breathing evenly.

Kate pulls the phone from her pocket and prepares to deliver some long-prayed for news.


	13. The Centre of the Swing

**A/N: There is not going to be a whole lot more angst - promise. I only say that now because the end of this chapter might imply more angst is coming - it's teeny - don't worry.  
><strong>

**Chapter Thirteen: **The Center of the Swing.

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><p>Castle is exhausted – which he actually finds pretty amusing on one level; after all he's been 'asleep' for five weeks, but nevertheless exhausted is definitely the only viable description of what he currently is.<p>

It's been a hell of day since he 'woke-up' this morning; batteries of tests to tell him what he already knew, that his brain is basically undamaged. Discovering his body no longer feels like his because he's too weak from lying in bed to function very well; but most of all it's the emotional drain of today that has sapped what strength he still possesses from his soul.

He's never watched his daughter cry before and felt angry towards her – never – not once, he absolutely _hates_ to see his baby girl upset. He was looking forward to seeing her, once the initial confusion of emerging from his dream-state abated, once he knew what was going on, Alexis became, as was normal for him, the person he most wanted to see.

And at first, everything was great. Alexis arrived in almost no time at all, his mother with her and there were tears of joy from both of them to discover him once more back in the land of the living. It was a happy re-union, for all of them, until Alexis wanted to talk to him 'alone' and with knowing glances they didn't think he saw, both Kate and his mother left them to it.

Knowing there was something bothering her, he'd assumed it was relating to his depression and once they were alone he'd been quick to try and reassure her.

* * *

><p>"<em>I'm sorry for putting you through this pumpkin . . . it won't happen again, you don't need to look so concerned I swear. I'll be alright now . . . I'll find myself again." He tells her.<em>

_Alexis shakes her head and Castle's heart rate accelerates when she refuses to look him in the eye._

"_You have nothing to apologize for Dad . . . if this is anyone's fault . . . well then you should be placing the blame on me."_

_The author frowns in confusion. "Alexis, how in the world could any of this possibly be your fault?" He asks her gently. It hurts his heart to think she could be laying any blame for his behavior on her own shoulders. But then she tells him, amid sobbing and pleas for forgiveness, exactly what she's done. How she set out to manipulate his emotions, to utilize his fears, and it seems so un-Alexis like that he really has to think back hard to credit the truth of any of it. But then she goes on to tell him what she'd asked of Kate . . . how she'd demanded, what she forced upon his partner and the anger ignites – ignites and burns. His eyes grow cold, and her tears cease to move him and for long, truly terrifying minutes Richard Castle knows what it feels like to dislike your own child. If Alexis wasn't telling him this herself he would never believe her capable of such selfish and callow actions, of intentionally inflicting hurt by thinking only of herself and what she wanted. How many months had she seen him struggle with that crippling unhappiness and never said a word? How many months had she let him believe the woman he loves hated him? And then he forces himself, literally forces himself, to see the situation through her eyes and his anger subsides, quenched by empathy that she loves him so much she'd act in such a way to try and keep him safe._

"_I'm so sorry Dad – I'm so, so sorry for what I did. Kate came straight back with me when I went to get her, and when I saw her – she looked like you looked all those months. She was broken and brittle, with hollow eyes – it scared me – the evidence of how much it had cost her to give me what I demanded of her. Please forgive me Dad . . . please."_

_He isn't immediately been able to formulate a reply. It's rare for him to be stuck without the words to express himself, it only happens under extreme duress, but he doesn't know how to respond without the anger flaring, and he doesn't want it to come back. Silence stretches between them, and he can see in his daughter's aqua eyes a growing fear that she's lost a part of their unique bond that she will never get back. It finally galvanizes him._

"_I love you Alexis – I know you understand that no-one in this world is more important to me than you are. But I'm more than your father – and I have a right to be happy – to have love in my life. My choices are mine – if you were still a very little girl I would not take any risks with my safety, but we both know you are an adult now, and just as you can choose your own path in life, so can I. You had no right to interfere like that, and Kate . . . Kate was an easy target, but she doesn't make me do anything. I choose the danger, because I choose her, because I love her Alexis – in a way I've never loved before."_

_His daughter smiles at him through her tears. "She loves you too Dad, I believe that now. I've seen it, the truth of it, with my own eyes, I know she'd never put you in harms way if she could help it – she wouldn't risk your life carelessly – I get it. I get it now."_

_Castle smiles back. "So you'll have no objections if Kate and I try to find our way back to each other then?" He asks._

"_No Dad. No objections. All I want is for you both to be happy. Whatever you need to make that happen is fine by me." His daughter tells him._

_He tries to sound certain when he responds, he hopes he is right. "We need time Alexis. We just need time."_

* * *

><p>After his talk with Alexis he'd spent some time with his mother just talking about everything else <em>but<em> what happened the night he OD'd. He knew his mother had found him that night, he also knew with one look into her strained face that she didn't want to talk about it – not now – probably not ever, and he was willing to respect that. He was her only child, and father to an only child himself, in her place, Castle knew he'd be the same way. So they talked about Kate instead. How she'd dropped everything to come to him once she knew what was going on, and how she was facing a suspension and a black mark in her record as a result. He'd listened to his mother's re-telling of Kate's investigation into what had caused his meltdown. How she'd approached it like a crime, never losing her faith that she knew him well enough to know he'd never try to take his own life. He's smiling though all of it, it fits so well with what he knows of Beckett, of who she is and how she thinks. And it speaks volumes - in her actions - of what she's told him now with words – that she loves him. It's all he's ever wanted, and from almost the moment they met – for her to love him, the _real _him.

But now, late at night and all alone once more he begins to see a problem, an obstacle that he has no choice but to overcome if he and Kate are ever to have a relationship of any kind again. He's lost the _real_ him somewhere along the line, and though he'd like to say it's only since the depression hit, only since Kate kicked him out of her life, he knows he's fooling himself if that's what he let's himself believe.

Four years ago when he met Kate Beckett he was at a turning point in his life – he had fame, wealth and critical acclaim – his career was flying high. His personal life however was at an all time low. Two miserable failed marriages - yes he had a great relationship with his kid – but he's able to face it now that he wasn't the most responsible parent – just the more responsible of the two parents Alexis had. He had a good relationship with his mother too, but beyond that and some really great friends his life was easy, hedonistic and totally hollow. Women threw themselves at him but they wanted his money and his sexual prowess – his heart – they never needed or came close to touching, and he never put it within anyone's reach. He didn't know when he and Kate met that he _needed_ someone to touch it – but within month's it began to simply belong to her and he suddenly knew he was the kind of man he didn't want to be.

The changes happened slowly – but they were real. He grew up. He discovered not only did he have a passion for writing, but he had a passion for justice he'd never even realized was there. He looks back on his novels now and sees it existed in him all along – in his books the protagonist always get's the bad guy. Justice is always served. Bad stuff happens but good triumphs over evil – and he never really saw how much he wanted to believe in that before Kate Beckett. She is the living embodiment of everything he wants out of life, and to be worthy of her is what he's been trying to be. Trying so hard that somewhere along the line he stuck her on a very high pedestal, and himself prone at her feet – and that imbalance has grown and grown and grown. It triggered the depression when she kicked him to the curb - because it wasn't just the loss of her, it was the loss of the identity he'd been holding for himself. Kate is an amazing woman, she's the missing piece in the puzzle of his life – but she's no more perfect than he is, and it's time for him to re-discover the center of the pendulum swing. He was one way, and then he was another and the middle is the real Richard Castle. He knows what he needs to do – and alone with his thoughts in the middle of the night he prays that Kate loves him enough to let him do it.


	14. Castle Waiting

**A/N: Thanks readers - all of you for your continuing amazing comments.  
><strong>

**Chapter Fourteen: **Castle Waiting.

* * *

><p>A week later . . .<p>

* * *

><p>"It's good to be home." He says as he eases himself down into an armchair in the seating area of his bedroom, but even as he says it, the words feel strange more than they feel true. Because he isn't home, not really, and though this rented house is quite lovely, it's not really his and he hasn't been happy in it for a single moment. Home is a loft in New York – home is also a feeling inside.<p>

So scratch what he just said.

"Actually, forget I said that, but it's nice to be out of the hospital. Home – well home may just have to wait a while." He amends with a tired grin, closing his blue eyes he blows out a breath and wishes he didn't still tire so easily. His doctors have given him a strict regiment of physiotherapy to adhere to and his strength will return – he just has to be patient and Richard Castle isn't afraid to admit that he's always been crap at that.

Warmth and pressure on his shoulder make him open his eyes again and he digs deep for another smile to ease the concern swimming in Beckett's green orbs as she watches him, her touch causing him tingles even in his current sorry condition.

"You okay Rick?" She asks, releasing his shoulder to take a seat on the ottoman at his feet.

He nods, but she must sense his unease because her eyebrow quirks upwards and she places her hand on his knee instead.

More tingles. And such contradictory impulses.

Since he woke up from the coma he's been doing a lot of thinking, and though he's decided on a course of action, knows categorically what he needs from Kate now, he hasn't in the last week been able to face having the actual conversation with her, that he knows they need to have. He wants her – and he wants her for keeps, and yet he's afraid she's going to see what he wants to ask of her as anything _but_ that. He's terrified she's going to see it as a rejection – and after everything that she's gone through he doesn't want to bring her any more pain. He doesn't want it to sound like he's looking for an 'out', when nothing could be further from the truth.

His mother and Alexis are busy cooking a celebration dinner downstairs – his first night home again has them giddy as fools, he has time right now, alone with Kate to broach the subject – and hell – he thinks – there is never going to be a good time for it.

He opens his mouth to start, but Kate beats him to it.

"I keep waiting for things to go back to normal Castle . . . but they haven't, and I can't get rid of this feeling that they won't. I know we've been separated for a long time – but . . . why are things still so awkward between us Rick? I mean I've told you I love you – is that it? Am I too late? Is all this tension because you're over me?" She says, and though she's trying to keep her voice steady and level he's her partner – the stress comes straight through.

He takes her hand from where it rests on his leg and wraps her slender digits in his, her hand is trembling slightly and the pulse he can feel at the base of her wrist tells him that her heart is pounding.

"You read the novel didn't you? What there is of it anyway, you know where it leaves off?" He asks, his eyes holding her gaze.

Mutely she nods.

"So if you know how I was feeling about you before . . . before the OD . . . what would make you ask me that?" He says softly.

Beckett shakes her head. There is love shining out at her now – as she looks into those ridiculously blue eyes of his, but she can't help feel something just isn't right.

"So what is it? I know there's something on your mind. I know it's about me. Castle you've been awake a week now, and apart from telling me we 'had a place to start' to put things right between us – something you did the morning you first woke up – you haven't . . . you haven't told me anything since about how you feel now."

Castle hears the unspoken questions. _'Do you love me? Do you still want me? Can you forgive me?'_

Rick takes a deep breath and squeezes her fingers, wills her to understand what he needs. "I love you Kate – and nothing is ever going to change that." He begins.

"But it isn't enough is it?" She blurts out. He squeezes her fingers tighter.

"Of course it's enough – it's absolutely everything Kate – though I hate to use the cliché – so not me despite some of my reviews . . . "He adds, trying to get her to smile but failing dismally. "I just need to find my footing again – I need to feel like me. I've never suffered from depression quite like this before Kate, but I can look back at my life and see the moments when I believe I was suffering through it in the past now. It's just in the past I handled it differently and therefore it never got – for the want of a better word – 'labeled' like it did this last time."

Kate shakes her head, she's trying to understand but confusion – and fear – is clearly written in every line of her face.

The author smiles to reassure her. "This time Kate – I didn't have the same options. In the past – when I was feeling some of these same emotions, thinking some of these same thoughts I drank . . . I slept around . . . I partied really hard and anyone observing me would probably not have labeled me 'depressed', but that's what I was. This time I couldn't do what I normally do – I couldn't react that way – I still wanted you Kate – I couldn't bring myself to even contemplate another woman to ease the pain. Drink was an option – and obviously I resorted to it – but I tried, this time things got so bad I tried to do it right. I sought professional help – I came up with a plan to work it through . . . "

Kate interrupts. "And then Paula screwed it up."

Castle sighs. "Yes. Okay she screwed it up – but my point is that I was trying. My point is that I have a problem Kate – I might be the last person you'd think would suffer from it but I'm telling you I've suffered from depression before and I clearly recognize it now. I want you Kate. I want a life with you; I want a _whole_ life with you. But for that to happen I need to be a 'whole' person. And right now I'm not there – there's damage – I need repairs. I spent so much time, focused so much energy on trying to be what I thought _you_ needed, who _you _needed - that I lost sight of who I actually am – and I have to get myself back Kate – I _have _too."

Kate feels the tears welling and she fights not to let him see her cry – giving up when he tips her face up to his with his free hand.

"There is no reason to cry – I'm determined to get better. Hell I already feel better, simply because I'm thinking clearly again. No drugs, no alcohol, no reason to be sad. I'll get there Kate . . . I just need you to give me some space while I do." His tone is endlessly gentle, and the warmth and confidence in his voice make her tears spill over.

He rests his forehead against hers, "I'm not saying goodbye Kate – I'll never do that. Never. Please don't cry baby . . . space doesn't mean no contact." He says softly.

The old Kate Beckett might have protested the use of the term 'baby', but the new improved version whose walls are completely down, needs that sort of moniker from him like oxygen – like food. She doesn't think she can stand to be away from him again . . . even though she already knows she'll agree to whatever he wants as long as they move forward 'together' now. There is no price she isn't willing to pay to have this man back in her life.

"What do you want me to do Castle?" She murmurs, tasting her tears around each word.

"Go home Kate. Go back to New York."

She takes a shaky breath, holding his earlier promises to her, to keep her heart from shattering at the request.

"Without you." She gasps.

He nods. His forehead still against hers, warm and solid.

"I don't want to go back – you understand that Rick?" He understands, he can hear her distress. So he nods again.

"I _will_ follow you. In time. But I need to get better baby. Healthy. Head on straight first. And I need to finish my book Kate. I need to re-write it." He pleads.

Her green eyes dart to his and the protest is out her mouth instantly.

"But the book . . . it's wonderful – it's perfect . . . it just needs an ending Castle . . . just an ending. You can't change the story – please say you won't."

The writer shakes his head. "The proposal should be the ending Kate. When the drama wraps and the smoke clears and the bad guys are caught and there's that moment. That perfect lull before the next drama begins – when everything is right, _that's_ when Rook asks Nikki to marry him. Not in the middle, not when things aren't just about them. I got that wrong Kate – I was just so anxious, so focused on getting to the bit I wanted most to write that I got it all wrong."

The sudden clarity in his eyes stuns her. Sharp. Focused. Certain.

"But he'll still propose, they'll still end up together?" Kate asks. And they both know she isn't asking solely about Rook and Nikki.

"There is no possible other ending to the story Kate." His smile is blinding – "Not for Nikki and Rook . . . and not for you and I either."

She takes a moment to wrap the truth of what he's telling her up in her arms. Holds it greedily – knows it will have to get her through some time without him.

"Okay. I'll go home. But. . . you'll call me. Or something." She asks.

The author laughs gently. "Or something. You won't be left feeling alone. Trust me Kate. Please just trust me."

She closes the gap between their faces and kisses him firmly – she has to take something with her when she leaves – some memory to get her through – if it's possible she already misses him. He kisses her back, his lips returning her fire – but then he breaks off, a little wheezy and breathless. "See – got to get healthy so this . . . doesn't kill me Kate."

Beckett kisses the tip of his nose. "Come home soon Castle – I'll be waiting." She tells him.


	15. A Bearable Limbo

**A/N: The lyrics in this chapter are not mine – and they are disclaimed in the passage so I think I'm covered. Hope you are all still with me . . . .?**

**Chapter Fifteen: **A Bearable Limbo.

* * *

><p>Kate doesn't leave California until he's strong enough to come to the airport and see her off – her insistence – in returning to New York alone she's doing as Castle asks, which seems only fair when this whole mess could have been avoided - if she'd only been braver ten months ago and stood her ground. Fought for what she wanted, confessed her love for him.<p>

Alexis drives and hugs her amid water works at the curb – she lets Castle walk Kate to the check-in counter alone. Kate checks her meager belongings and taking his hand in hers, drags him to the gate; there she forces herself to say this temporary goodbye.

She's wearing a pair of flat ballet pumps with her skinny jeans today, and when she buries her face against his chest their height difference leaves her ear right above his heart. The rhythmic thumping soothes the frantic, wild, erratic beating going on inside her own chest and calms her tears. Still she hates this – she really does not want to leave him.

"Thank you Kate." Castle murmurs against her hair, as his chin comes to rest on the top of her head, his arms coming around her, holding her close.

"For what?" She mumbles back, refusing to look up at him. Can't she just stay here, warm and safe against him – and preferably never leave the shelter of his embrace.

"For coming here to find me – f or telling me that you love me - for giving me this – this time to rediscover myself." He whispers, tightening his hold.

The detective swallows rapidly, reining in the roil of her emotional response. He needs this space, so she'll give it too him. She'll give him whatever he needs, but God does she want her partner back.

"Always." She whispers in response – as much for herself as for him. 'Always' after all – is still 'theirs'.

His chest rumbles as he laughs softly at her choice of words. He gets it – what she's trying to say, and so she risks looking up and into his beautiful eyes.

Rendered mute by her emotions she simply takes a long silent moment to look at him. To re-memorize his face, and the way his hair – all freshly cut and typically styled once more falls 'just-so' across his forehead. She re-learns the way his eyes twinkle and the smile creases around the corners of his mouth. This is what she came to California to get back – Richard Castle – living his life once more – not still and silent and comatose in a sterile bed.

"So I'll call you Detective." The writer says with a smile.

Kate nods. "Soon . . . and . . . often. Just, don't go silent on me Castle – I've had enough of that to last me a lifetime."

She stretches up and places a last kiss on his lips, lingering as long as she dares before pulling back and walking away, only allowing her shoulders to slump when she's out of view.

The author watches with mixed emotions and then straightens his spine – this is what he needs and so he turns on his heel and like Beckett – he doesn't let himself look back.

* * *

><p>Her phone pings a text alert the moment she turns it on at the terminal in New York.<p>

"_Hey Beckett – I love you too."_

It's enough to get her through being back in New York, through her first night home, and when she braves the 12th precinct to face down Captain Gates and a further two weeks on suspension – minus pay.

* * *

><p>Three days later when she's climbing the walls with loneliness, and wishing she at least had a murder to work and something to keep her mind from dwelling her phone finally rings.<p>

"Beckett."

"So tell me Kate . . . what are you wearing?"

His voice is pitched low – all the Castle she remembers – and exactly what she needs, and laughing around sudden tears she tells him.

"Honestly Rick . . . a smile and a gun."

She feels lighter after.

* * *

><p>The following day there's a single rose outside her apartment door that she discovers only when she leaves to go for a run. There's a simple folded note that reads.<p>

_I DO miss you. C._

* * *

><p>She doesn't hear anything for another five days. But then she get's an email –<p>

_Katherine,_

_Have re-located to the Hampton's – (with my doctor's all clear) – I've had enough of California and Alexis should stand on her own for a while – mother is returning to New York – say's she'll pop by. I've started seeing a therapist, and have the okay to exercise properly, and the re-working of the book has begun – so far it's a slow progress but it's all there now – the plot – in my head. I know you'll be back in the precinct soon – so stay safe please – my strength seems to finally be returning and since I got back to the East coast – let's just say I feel much more like me._

_I promise we'll talk soon – I love you._

_Always,_

_Richard._

Her keyboard gets wet and the tangible tattered printout won't leave her pocket until he comes home.

* * *

><p>Four days go by.<p>

Her first day back at her desk in the 12th and the café on the corner hand delivers her a hazelnut latte with nutmeg - extra hot. There's a note in sharpie on the sleeve – not his handwriting but the words are:

_**Beckett – your coffee – Castle.**_

It's enough to have her smiling all freaking day.

* * *

><p>Seven days of silence later and she's growing concerned – and restless and worried. And then he calls.<p>

"Beckett."

"A smile and a gun or is it fuzzy slippers and a face mask Detective?"

She sighs in happy relief, holds her phone tightly to her ear and whispers seductively . . .

"Nothing but skin writer-boy . . . and bubbles . . . lots and lots of . . . bubbles."

She swears she hears him curse in Chinese before she tells herself she's hearing things and he gathers himself enough to reply –

"I always said you were a tease."

* * *

><p>Martha comes to see her at the precinct the following day – apparently subbing for her errant son as she greets Kate with a brilliant smile, scented hug and hands her a 'hazelnut latte' – with nutmeg – 'From Richard.'<p>

"How is he really doing?" Beckett asks the actress once she's ensconced them both in the relative privacy of the break-room.

Castle's mother smiles and it's the pride and completely genuine nature of the expression, the way her eyes twinkle the same way her son's do that sets Beckett's heart soaring.

"Kate he's . . . honestly he just seems like himself again – but more mature I guess. I spent three days with him at the Hampton's house and we laughed, we walked on the beach, we talked about everything. He even got me to open up about the night I found him after the overdose. Something I swore to myself I would never talk to him about – but he kept telling me it would fester – that it was okay for him to relive it through me – and we cried – we hugged. And I felt better and I know he did too." Castle's mother reaches out for Kate's hand.

"I know this is tough on you – but I really don't think you need to worry so Kate. Richard is writing, he's eating, he's exercising and he's . . . the only way I can describe it is that he's re-connecting with himself. With what he wants, and how he feels and where he needs to go in his life now."

Kate swallows. "But will that bring him home to me?" She asks.

Martha nods effusively. "Always." She tells the detective – and somehow Kate knows that this answer comes directly from him.

* * *

><p>It's another week before he texts her:<p>

_Thank you for loving me_

_For being my eyes when I couldn't see_

_For parting my lips when I couldn't breathe_

_Thank you for loving me._

It takes Kate a moment to recognize the lyrics of the Bon Jovi song and when she does she wonders why he chose it? Then she laughs when it dawns on her that the lyrics to 'Always' are too sad – and don't fit. So she texts him back:

_I never knew I had a dream_

_Until that dream was you_

_When I look into your eyes_

_The sky's a different blue_

_Cross my heart – I wear no disguise_

_If I tried, you'd make believe that you believed my lies._

She waits to see what he'll do, and he doesn't disappoint. Her phone pings and his reply lights up the world.

_I'll be home soon._


	16. The Edge of Glory

**A/N: Thank you again – I know I say this a lot but it's still true – to all the reviewers for your kind words and helpful criticisms. Because they all help shape this thing – that's the nature of a WIP. **

**Chapter Sixteen:** The Edge of Glory.

* * *

><p>When Kate sends a verse of the same song lyrics that he just texted her back to him, Castle finds himself laughing out loud and the final shift within him happens. He's ready – so very ready to see her now. So ready to be <em>with<em> her now – he just needs to sort out a few things, and then he's going home. He feels better, more focused, and more comfortable in his own skin now, than he ever remembers feeling. He should tell her that – not everything – some things have to be done in person, but he should let her know he's going to be returning to New York.

_I'll be home soon. _He sends her.

He doesn't expect a reply and she doesn't send him one – but he knows that right now she's smiling, that she's happy and that she can't wait to see him.

He can't wait to see her either.

This time apart has been exactly what he needed in the end. Just the knowledge that Kate was his – and that she was waiting for him – this was all he needed for him to place his focus on his other issues. Namely taking the time to ensure his moods were now stable, and that he was recovered from the crippling bout of depression he'd been struggling with. Well that, and talking through that whole period with an impartial third party. His therapist has been a great sounding board for Castle. No judgment, just an ear and some very practical advice as he worked through who'd he'd been when he met Kate and who he'd become over the three years of their unusual 'partnership'. They'd discussed the persona he'd donned before he and Kate met – 'rich-carefree-playboy-author'. Mister 'shallow', Mister 'good-time', masks and disguises, worn as a cover for a man struggling to deal with having an excess of everything - money, fame, women - at age thirty seven - he'd become the hype surrounding him.

He's learned to see how Kate grounds him. How she offers him something real to stand upon. She doesn't care about his money, or his fame, and her desire for him has nothing to do with racking up notches on her bedpost. She gets him, she likes him – she loves him. She's the real deal – and so his emotions towards her have always been that - 'scary' real – he sees now that he struggled because he hadn't dealt in 'real' for so long. Kate cut right through the bullshit and the bravado and took a hold of his heart. She engaged it by simply being herself – her extraordinary, beautiful, and courageous self.

His therapist says he put her on so high a pedestal because he'd come to really believe that he was _only_ a shallow, carefree playboy whose charm and pocketbook were all he had going for him, and that therefore she would never see him any other way no matter how hard he tried. That the _trying _was only another borrowed piece of plumage that eventually she'd see through.

He understands himself better now. Sees the clear separation between the confidence he had in his talent, and the lack of confidence he had in himself as a worthwhile person. Knows that the man he was _trying_ to be for Kate, is actually the man he already is – the man he already was _all_ along. Before the fame and the money and the critical success, before women threw themselves at him daily – he was a talented – gifted writer yes – but more than that he was also a man who was loyal to a fault, generous with his time and energy, and devoted to his family – the type of man the Kate Beckett's of this world do fall in love with and marry.

Rick sees that he has his own courage, and his own honor, and his own extra-ordinariness. He has drive and value, even as he can also be shallow and self-centered sometimes – as can everyone. He can own to all his strengths as well as his faults and he can believe in her love – because she very clearly _does_ love and adore him – she's gifted him with that knowledge now to build on. And build on it he has.

Build on it he will. Their future, one so bright it blinds even him.

The re-working of his latest 'Nikki Heat' novel is now complete – and the book is, well frankly it's huge. Once he really started on it again it just flowed out of him and he had a good two thirds of a regular sized book to work with before he began. Moving the proposal scene to the end was his biggest challenge, he'd really written himself into something of a corner with it – but he loved the scene, he loved the simplicity of it. He loved the way it suited his two protagonists so perfectly. He wanted it intact, but he also wanted it to complete the story. And for a good week he didn't see how he was going to get around the problem, but then life, as it always does provided a solution. He'll start the scene, but then he'll have it interrupted in true 'Castle-esque' fashion by another murder in the park – and Rook will put his plan on hold because Nikki's time is again engaged elsewhere.

Simple really.

And then he really got right back into it. Adding another murder into an already plotted novel isn't as easy as it sounds. But hes managed it – he even thinks it makes the mystery much more confusing now – he doesn't think anyone will see the twists coming and he's really happy with how it all turns out. And more importantly – at least in _his_ heart – Rook's proposal remains intact and he ends the book with Nikki saying 'Yes'.

It's critically important that; because this novel is still a proposal in its own right.

This is his proposal to Kate. The final one he intends to make in his life – because there is no way – no way in hell that he will ever love anyone else the way he loves Detective Katherine Beckett. She is it for him. She's his, as she would put it – 'one and done'. His previous marriages mean less than dirt to him now – he should never have been in either one of them, not that Gina doesn't have her good points – she does, and he hopes one day she'll meet that 'soul-mate' he thinks she deserves. As for Meredith – her biggest love affair is now and always has been with herself – and though she may have turned his head at one point in his life – and though he is endlessly grateful for the amazing child she gave him – if he never saw her again – his life would probably be the better for it.

Whereas a life without Kate – is a life he never wants to contemplate. If one terrible day, her choice of career takes her away from him, before they are old and have lived their lives together – he knows he can only accept it if they had their chance – their gift of happiness for a time. He knows life comes with no guarantees, that it can take a left turn when he least expects it – and he's at peace with that – but only if he gets at least some of his forever with her – and preferably all of it. And then in his ideal scenario, they pass away on the same day – old and grey and safe in their bed – surrounded by their grandchildren – this is what he wants. This is the life he's going after.

Going after hard. No pedestals, no inequality, just a man and a woman who are crazy for one another. Who complete each other – are yin and yang to one another – perfect complement and foil for each other. Hell, Castle knows they'll drive each other nuts sometimes, the way they always have, but he also knows that they will be remarkable together. Two minds that can function as one, two halves of a whole. And the sex – God help him – but he knows the ride of his life is coming – pardon the pun.

He's never wanted anything like he does this. Never ached for a woman like this – the memory of her kisses still haunt him and all told they've been seconds of his life. Seconds that are right up there with the birth of his daughter and the day he learned 'In a Hail of Bullets' was going to be published.

They're so close now – sitting on the edge of something so monumental for the both of them, that each of their lives changes completely. They are to close to simply begin dating – because they've already been dating for three years if they're honest about it. Too in love and too attracted to one another to doubt their physical compatibility.

To others it might seem strange, and yet Castle knows, believed even back when he started this book that the next step for he and Kate is marriage.

A lifetime commitment, because he doubts 'divorce' will ever be a word in their vocabulary.

So as he looks down once more, at the cell phone in his hand, at the message he sent her. His next decision is only 'how soon is soon?' He punches in the number to make a call, and while he's waiting for it to go through he wonders if he'll get angry, asks himself if hes nervous at the prospect of talking to her, but then when she answers he feels nothing but calm.

"Rick?" Her assistant has obviously announced him as the quaver in her voice is completely unusual and nothing hes ever heard from her before.

"Hey Paula." He responds.

Silence on the line.

"You're . . . you're okay?" His agent says eventually, and it sounds to him like she's hyperventilating the other end of the phone line.

"I am. I'm very much okay, with everything except what you did." His voice is still level – it actually surprises him.

"She told you everything?" Paula says brokenly, and he hears from her inflection that it's a question as much as a statement.

"Kate told me you lied to me, and that the newspaper article about her wedding was a fake you were responsible for. Beyond that she only told me that explanations were best left to you." He answers. "So tell me why Paula? After fifteen years and all the money I've made you – you can at least give me that."

"You love her." The woman responds.

Castle is confused. "How is that relevant?"

"Her Rick . . . you love her. You want her – to marry her – not me." He thinks he detects a sob at the end of Paula's rushed and broken confession, and his mind whirls. His relationship with his agent has never been even slightly romantic – one drunken night of forgettable sex in a hotel in Ibiza not withstanding . . . oh God. He's an idiot.

"I hurt you." He says eventually. "I never . . . I didn't realize it meant something to you."

Paula is very quiet when she says. "That's because it didn't mean anything to you did it?

"No." He tells her honestly. There is more he could say, but what point would there be?

The silence stretches. "Your detective told me to stay away from you Rick. And I think that's for the best – for both of us. For what it's worth . . . if I had known how severe your depression was . . . if I'd had any idea that you would do what you did . . . "

Castle cuts her off. "It wasn't a deliberate overdose Paula. Just a less than sober miscalculation . . . but I hear what you're saying. We are both at fault . . . and you can let it go when you help me with one final thing." He says.

"You want my help?" Paula sounds astonished.

"I do." The author replies. "The book is finished. Black Pawn has the manuscript and Gina is putting a rush on the editing and the cover art. So here's where you come in Paula, because I need a favor and let's face it – you owe me. In fact Paula, I think I can safely speak for Kate as well when I say, 'You owe us."


	17. Serenity

**A/N: Sorry for the huge wait – long story short – there are not 30 hours in a day and apparently that means finding time to write this was impossible. So thank you – all of you – again - for all the lovely reviews & your patience, and I hope you will let me know what you think about this chapter too – hint.**

**Chapter Seventeen:** Serenity.

* * *

><p>'Soon' – in the end, is eleven days. He would really have liked for it to be a lot quicker, but with what he's asked of first Gina, and then Paula – well it turns out that some things just take a certain amount of time, and even for the likes of Richard Castle, some things can only be rushed so much. In the big scheme of things, it just doesn't matter – he and Beckett will have their forever, he knows this, and after everything that has happened - rushing home a few days earlier and ruining his plan for their engagement is simply not worth it.<p>

Castle's given Nikki and Rook their moment, he crafted it for them – he made it as perfect as he can, so he isn't about to screw up the moment that belongs to he and Kate, just because he's impatient for it. Even though he is - desperately impatient for it at this point, frankly it's tough to be so close to something you've yearned for this long and force yourself to wait any further.

So today he got out of bed with a spring in his step that hasn't been there in a year, maybe more, and he was on the road a little after 5am. It's a good two hour drive from his beach-side Hampton's estate to his loft in Manhattan, and it's important he can bring Kate her breakfast this morning – to start the day off right – he thinks.

Yesterday he spoke at length, and several times, with the Twelfth Precinct's new female captain – Victoria Gates – probably some of the toughest and simultaneously most honest conversations he's ever had in his life. Castle wants to come back – back to the 12th - perhaps not quite as full-time as he was prior to Montgomery's death - and not really for research much anymore – after all, unless Black Pawn offers him a renewed contract for further 'Nikki Heat' novels, he's technically done. But he wants back – he needs back – because his 'consultant-ship' gives him something extremely fulfilling to do. He helps. He gets to be part of the process of providing justice – and it means the world to him – and he thinks, in the end, it was his honesty about this that swayed Captain Gates in his favor.

She isn't thrilled about the idea. And unlike Montgomery she has no vested interest in Beckett's life and career, but she was persuaded by the references he e-mailed her. References he'd managed to acquire with very little trouble from FBI Agent Jordan Shaw and Homeland Security Agent Mark Fallon. These two, highly qualified and well respected law enforcement professionals vouched for the assistance he'd given them, that – and a personal request for co-operation from the Major – and Gates finally caved. It's probationary, but if Beckett and her team agree, Gates has agreed that he can once more shadow the team and offer his assistance as requested. The Captain even agreed to let him ask the guys himself, and to keep the news of his return today under wraps – he doesn't want anything to spoil the surprise.

He got off the phone with her missing Montgomery like hell, both his fallen friends humor and his easy manners, but with a certain grudging respect. The new Captain is a definite force to be reckoned with – and he's going to have to work to gain her trust and support, he can already tell that 'charming' this woman is truly not an option. He makes a mental note to himself to remember to call her 'sir'.

The sun is rising over the New York skyline as he crosses the Brooklyn Bridge in his SUV, diamonds of light sparkling off the water of the Hudson. His heart rate picks up at the thought of all he wants to come to be today, and as he slows down as the traffic volume gradually increases, the author's face is wreathed in a huge smile.

* * *

><p>Kate is up early because she's been having trouble sleeping. Castle still hasn't come home or even elaborated on 'soon' with regards to his return to New York, and for the last eleven days Kate has been living on the knife blade of anticipation, and struggling to maintain any sort of balance.<p>

There is a chorus of 'Castle, Castle, Castle' constantly on repeat in her heart, and while her head is doing a fairly good job of ignoring it, the truth remains that she's really had it with giving him space and she just wants him back. The nine months she managed to get through without him were more than enough thank you, and his presence, his physical presence in her life once more is a constant craving she has no will left to deny.

She hasn't had a body drop in a week – just to take matters from irritating to annoying in the extreme, so to add insult to injury it's been paperwork catch-up and neglected 'performance' reviews on her agenda. And without Castle around to lighten the dull mood and make even the paperwork seem like fun, all the desk jockeying has done is remind her of what she's trying not focus on.

How freaking lonely she is.

Still, as she pulls up the blinds in her bedroom and sees a beautiful sunny day just dawning, Beckett manages to find both her smile and a positive frame of mind – after all the day is both young, and seemingly glorious, and if she's even the slightest bit lucky, hopefully it will end having not been completely 'Castle-less'.

She hits the shower playing with the idea of breaching his 'I'll contact you' mandate, which she reasons only truly existed while he needed the separation to re-discover himself. Now, well he has said he's coming home – God she's beginning to hate the word 'soon' – he's told her he's accomplished what he needed too – doesn't that give her the license now to do something as simple as texting him if she does end up not hearing from him today?

She shampoo's her hair and debates both sides, and in the end, she concludes that Castle will forgive her a text borne of the need for some little contact – and she resolves that if she doesn't hear from him by noon – she'll definitely send him some sort of 'Hello'.

The God's must hear her thoughts, because it's when she is just arriving at the precinct that her phone chimes.

Beckett checks the display as she heads into the elevator, smiling to herself as she notices the incoming text message she's just received is indeed from Castle. Hoping to hear that he's finally giving her a return date that's a little more specific than the now detested 'soon', she's momentarily disappointed, but resolutely pushing aside her rampant desire to see him, she allows the contents of his message to make her smile –

_So Detective, have any ruggedly handsome writers been bugging you lately?_

She types a reply as the elevator climbs.

_No such luck. But I seem to remember being told that may change S-O-O-N?_

She gets all the way to her desk and drops off her leather jacket, heading into the break room and the coffee machine – phone in hand, before she gets a return response.

_Don't tell me Alex Conrad is back!_

Laughing softly to herself she sends him –

_Seriously – you said SOON Castle. I'm holding you to that._

She's brewed coffee and made it to her desk before her phones goes off again.

_Missing me?_

Kate sighs. Pulling out her chair she sits, and then notices the brown paper bag that has taken up residence in the dead-center of her desk. Her gaze dances quickly around the bullpen – she can't see a delivery person, but she could have sworn there was nothing there when she dropped off her jacket. Opening the bag slowly and peeking in, she sees a toasted honey-wheat bagel with plain cream cheese and her stomach rumbles.

She looks for a note – Castle has to be behind this, but she can't see anything so she shrugs, pulls out her breakfast, and takes a blissful bite followed by a long swig of coffee as she tries to compose her reply.

She could simply say yes – but what she's feeling is way beyond 'missing' and yet confessing that she's literally 'aching' to see him isn't her style. Too needy. Still – 'her style' most definitely contributed to royally screwing things up, and after Rick's brush with death – to hell with it – needy it is.

_Ache - is a better word Rick. I ache._

She hits send before she can talk herself back out of it. She completely – utterly - loves him. She desperately wants him back home – so she's only telling him the truth, and her mother always told her that the truth was her 'weapon to wield', hopefully her deliberate use of his given name will emphasize her point.

She takes another bite of her breakfast, watching her phone for his reply. When she's finished the bagel, and the coffee, and her phone is still silent she gets a tiny bit paranoid and begins to wonder if somehow she's said something wrong.

But then his reply comes – just not over her phone. His voice comes from the space behind her when he says.

"Me too baby. Me too."

Kate is frozen in place for the span of a missing heartbeat. She swallows, her hands tremble and then she's out of her seat, on her feet, and spinning around.

Castle stands a few feet behind her chair – and he looks . . . Beckett swallows again – finding air suddenly in slightly short supply – he looks . . . amazing.

At the airport in California – six weeks or so ago when they said their goodbyes he was hospital pale still, too thin, and there was a 'hollow' quality lingering in him, a combination of the coma and the effects of his depression, that marked him as 'different' from the Richard Castle she'd known before.

As he stands before her now – his face lit up at the sight of her – the man she left behind in California truly is no more. He's filled out again – and in all the right places as far as she can tell – in a bright blue shirt that brings out the insane blue of those eyes of his and the color that is now back in his complexion. He is so heartbreakingly handsome that for a moment Beckett honestly wants to cry. Dark jeans, black blazer, he's as perfect as she always held the memory of him and finally her legs get the 'MOVE' signal from her brain and she's on him – in his arms – uncaring of who sees - all she can focus on is that he's _here._

Strong arms close around her, as Beckett pulls herself as close to him as she can get. She can feel his chest shaking with happy laughter against her; she can breathe in the familiar scent of his favorite cologne. Happiness, giddy, shameless joy – erupts throughout her being and as she tips her face up to meet the heat of his kiss – peace.


	18. Her Perfect Day

**A/N: Thanks again to all the new readers/reviewers and all the ones who have been with me from the start – good to see you still enjoying this story now the angst is finally behind us! We are approaching the end – couple more chapters only – and on that note, here is the next one – may you enjoy.**

**Chapter Eighteen: **Her Perfect Day.

* * *

><p>Castle doesn't think the thrill of kissing Beckett will ever wear off – scratch that, he just <em>knows<em> it won't. Kate is plastered against him, her body is flush with his everywhere she can reach, and when he breaks the kiss gently to smile down at her, the slow-motion reopening of her eyes is almost hypnotic.

There is such happiness and wonder in her face as she looks at him, and the fact that she's obviously in no hurry to move back out of his embrace – even considering their location by her desk - the author can hardly comprehend the reality of how far they've really come.

"Hi." He says, unable to keep his mouth from curving up in a smug smile, the kind Beckett has always enjoyed wiping off of his face in the past. He waits to see what she'll do with it now.

"You're really here." Kate replies, and Castle's smile gets smugger as the wonder in her voice reflects the look on her face so perfectly.

"I am." He agrees. "A fact you are apparently very happy about." He adds, his gaze darting around the fairly empty bullpen, noting that nevertheless all the occupants of the room have stopped and are currently staring.

"Happy is a huge understatement Castle – and yes I know where we are and I could seriously care less – let 'em look. Let them _all_ look. You're here . . . and I've missed you so much."

The dark-haired detective rests her head against the writer's chest and takes a moment to just breathe. Kate lets his scent, and his warmth infuse her. The thump of his heart against her cheek, the comfort that comes with his arms enclosing her – she is serene right now, no other word for it.

Castle looks down at the top of her head and the smugness fades from his smile. Those watching are all held spellbound - silent witnesses to the way his face alters to 'indulgent-adoration' - a uniformed cop way in the back even 'Ahhhhhs' .

Esposito arriving at work breaks the moment – in his own, inimitable way of course.

"Castle! Yo bro . . . are you ever a sight for sore eyes."

The writer waits for Kate to pull away as he grins – smugly once more – at Javier, but Kate simply turns within the circle of Castle's arms and also smiles at her co-worker.

"Morning Beckett." The Latino detective says grinning madly. "My, my, aren't you two looking cozy." He adds. "Certainly looks like I'm _finally_ interrupting something I have to say."

Laughing, Castle loosens an arm to 'feed–the-birds' with Esposito, and Kate good-naturedly shrugs and reluctantly lets go of her hold on her partner, she takes a seat on the edge of her desk.

Once Beckett has released him, Castle pounces on Javier and wraps him up in hug instead as Kate looks on. The pair releases each other with a back slap a piece, and then to make the moment complete, Detective Kevin Ryan appears.

"Castle!" The young Irish detective's face lights up in a huge smile as grabs for the author's hand. Castle by-passes and hugs Ryan too, and Beckett cannot help but feel a huge swell of emotion surge through her to have them all back together again. Their team has felt incomplete from the moment she forced Castle out of her life – having this dynamic back – it's a blessing she's determined never to take for granted ever again.

And then it hits her. Captain Gates. What if the 'Iron-Lady' refuses to grant Castle permission to rejoin the team once more? Kate's eyes drift to the still-dark Captain's office and it's the uncertain look on her face as she stares at it that brings the celebration up short.

"Castle . . . we might have a problem." Beckett begins.

"Yeah." Ryan adds. "Our new boss . . . . She's kind of a stickler for the rules."

"Totally the truth." Esposito chimes in. "Wish I could tell you these two were paranoid, and in Ryan's case he is, but neither of them is wrong man. Woman's stone-cold."

Three sets of eyes stare at the author apologetically.

"Relax – all of you." The author tells them smiling. "I already obtained permission from Captain Gates to rejoin this team if the three of you will agree to have me."

Beckett's draw drops. Ryan simply grins delightedly and Esposito shakes his head with a decidedly impressed look on his face. "No-way! How the hell you'd pull that off bro?"

"Honestly, a request from the Major for a personal favor, and a couple of references emailed to her from the FBI and Homeland security. Plus I asked – nicely." Castle replies.

The team stares at the author stunned. And then Beckett starts laughing hysterically before Ryan and Esposito join her. When the laughter finally fades the male detectives return to their desks, with a chorus of 'Good to have you back man.', and the writer looks to the side of Beckett's desk for his old chair.

Kate comes up behind him and wraps her arms around him from behind, resting her head on his shoulder she whispers, "I couldn't stand to look at it without you, but I'll have it brought back right now Rick . . . it's awesome to have you home."

* * *

><p>It's never a 'good' thing when a body drops, but for the Homicide team at the 12th New York precinct it was 'good' thing for them to get back to doing what they did best – namely catching murderers – not filling in paperwork. And with their 'highest solve-rate' team reformed, and including their favorite author again, the foursome arrived at the crime scene to find the other de-facto member of their unit absolutely thrilled to see Castle back with them once more.<p>

Lanie Parish looked up from the body of the victim – a thirty-something white female – and literally fan-girl squealed when she saw Rick. Pulling her blue latex gloves from her hands in a giant rush, the petite African American woman crossed the distance between the body and the writer and threw her arms around his neck.

"Oh my God!" The Medical Examiner gushes. "Richard Castle! I may never have been so happy to see someone in all my life."

The writer picks the M.E up and twirls her around for effect, before setting her back on her dainty feet and releasing her.

"Hey Lanie – it's good to see you too." He says affectionately.

Lanie indicates Beckett with a nod in her direction and says, "My girl here hasn't been the same person without you permanently on her heels – sure am glad you two finally figured this thing out. And Castle . . . you ever scare us like that again, Imma personally put you in the ground – you understand me?"

Rick rolls his eyes, but nods. "I hear you." He replies good-naturedly. "Now you want to let us in on what we're dealing with here – I'm a little bit rusty." He adds, and just like that things go right back to near-normal, only much, much better than ever before.

By the end of the day Kate feels like she's literally walking on a cloud.

They haven't made a whole heck of a lot of progress with their case, but it's not one of the weirder ones and they have some pretty strong leads to be going on with.

The murder board is up and Kate stands looking at it with stars in her eyes, all because there are notes in Castle's elegant script once and she cannot stop staring at it smiling, even though he's been right along side her all day.

"You ready to call it a night Kate?" His voice disturbs her musings and sends a rush of warmth down her spine. Turning to find him seated on her desk, his hands in his pockets she gives him a grateful nod, and then an uncertain look.

"What is it?" He asks.

Uncertain how to truly voice what's in her head she sends him a shy grin. "So. . . ." She says.

Castle smiles back charmingly, a very knowing look on his boyish face. "Mother is visiting Alexis at Stanford, the loft is empty and I don't want to say 'goodnight' either." He tells her. "Come home with me - we can order anything you like because I have no food in my apartment yet. Mother might have been living there, but apparently she hasn't been cooking."

Beckett crosses over to stand in front of him and he pulls her into the vee of his legs, his hands coming to rest at her waist.

"Can I stay the night?" She asks, managing to sound both bold and seductive and innocent and insecure all at the same time – he has no idea how.

The writer nods. "The spare room is all yours if you want it." He says straight-faced.

Kate shakes her head. "That's not what I was asking you and you damn well know it. It's time Rick – I need you – to be _with _you." She tells him.

Castle leans in and kisses her softly, slowly, letting it build until they can both feel the flames of passion flaring between them, and awareness of anything but each other fleeing into the night – and then he pulls back, and rests his forehead against hers – loving the sensation of her erratic breathing as puffs of air against his face.

"Just come home with me Kate – the rest of it – just come, I have some things to show you." He says mysteriously. Kate gives him a long assessing, adoring look and then simply nods. Gathering her jacket and her keys, she slips her hand into his and leads him to the elevator.

* * *

><p>Theirs is a comfortable, gentle silence, full of stolen kisses at traffic stops the whole way from the precinct to their destination on the upper west-side.<p>

Castle's loft looks exactly the same as ever when he unlocks the door and ushers Kate inside. The expensive and expansive space has always wowed Beckett – while simultaneously feeling more like a 'home' to her than any space she's ever actually lived in herself as an adult. From the furniture, to the gadgets and toys that often litter the shelves, Castle's home reflects those who occupy it; and Kate can't help but wonder if someday she might be sharing this space with him. If she's honest about it she'd agree to move in tomorrow if he asked her too – and there is no fear or anxiety attached to these thoughts anymore – just a rosy glow as she gazes into a future that she wants as much as her next breath.

The author proceeds into the kitchen and chucks his keys onto the granite counter-top, digging into a drawer he pulls a huge selection of take-out menus out and hands them Kate with a small flourish.

"Name your poison Detective." He tells her with a grin.

Kate laughs closes her eyes and grabs one randomly – handing what ends up being her favorite 'Thai' take-out menu to her partner with her eyes stills closed.

Castle takes it from her and when her eyes meet his, he winks at her, "I confess I aimed that one at you Kate, you feel like the usual? He asks, smile dropping from his face when her eyes mist up.

The writer rounds the kitchen counter and takes Beckett in his arms, "What? What's wrong?" He asks. "Today is supposed to be perfect from start to finish - I had it all planned out." He confesses, squeezing her to him tightly.

"That's just it." Beckett mumbles against his chest. "It is perfect Castle; everything is perfect, even take-out Thai for dinner."

"So then what's with the misty eyes Kate?" He asks softly.

"It's just that when you asked me if I wanted the usual – and . . . . I guess it's just hitting me at odd times that I really have you back again. I'm being silly – sorry Castle."

Castle tips her face up to his with his hand beneath her chin, "Yes you have it back. You'll always have it now Kate. This – us – this is forever." He says fervently. Looking thoughtful he checks his watch. "Can you wait a bit for dinner?" He asks.

Beckett nods. "Sure – why?" She inquires.

The author doesn't reply, just grabs her hand, hands her the leather jacket she's only recently removed and pushes her back towards the door to the loft.

"Castle – where are we going?" The detective asks.

"Times Square." He tells her.

"Times Square? Castle why on earth would we be going to Times Square right now?" Kate replies.

The writer shakes his head with a highly mischievous expression on his handsome face.

"Because that's where the beginning of forever is waiting Beckett." He tells her cryptically. "So are you coming or what?"


	19. The Big Reveal

**A/N: Insert my usual giant 'thank you' to all of you for your reviews here. We still have another chapter and an epilogue to go – but getting to this chapter – all I can tell you is that I _really_ hope I did this justice. I tried – hard. To get what I could see in my head down in words, and I would love you to let me know if I succeeded. Nuff said.**

**Chapter Nineteen: **The Big Reveal.

* * *

><p>The doorman of Castle's building hails them a cab and in the dim confines of the taxi's interior, Kate studies the face of the man she loves until the author starts laughing and calls her on it.<p>

"Okay enough. You aren't going to ruin the surprise by trying to wheedle out of me everything I have planned I hope. I can feel the 'cop-gaze' burning a hole clean through my head Kate." The writer says grinning, his eyes shining with a happiness Beckett can't quite ever recall seeing.

It strikes her anew how relaxed and comfortable he is now that he's back. It's clear to Kate that the weeks he spent away from her he made good use of – he's the man she remembers, and yet not. There is a joy; an inner peace radiating from him that renders him even more lethally attractive than usual. It pulls her in, envelops her senses, leaving her more smitten by him than ever before. She feels breathless, giddy in his company, and whole; whole most importantly of all because that feeling deserted her so many years ago when her mother was lost – that she never really expected to feel this way again.

The reason she does hits her like a freight-train. The loss of her mother taught Kate that she could only truly rely on herself – because she no longer had someone to lean on whose love for her was unconditional. Her father – as much as he loves her – was an absentee for years following the murder of his wife - he was unreliable. But she's wholly accepted now that in Rick Castle – she's found that unconditional support once more.

Impulsively she throws her arms around his neck in the restricted space of the back seat of a New York cab, and hugs him so tightly she can feel the breath whoosh out of his lungs.

"I love you so much Castle. I just . . . I feel inadequate that I don't have the words to tell you how much it means to me that you've come home." She whispers against his neck.

The writer hugs her back, his voice low and intimate. "I promise you that you'll have the rest of your life to find them."

The taxi drops them off on Seventh Avenue, a couple of blocks from Times Square at the authors request and Castle takes Kate's hand to help her out of the back seat, wrapping her arm through his once she's on the sidewalk beside him. Kate waits for him to steer them towards Broadway and the Theater District, but instead he uses his free arm to pull his cell phone from his pocket and send a text message he doesn't let her see.

His phone beeps as the message wings on its way, and Castle returns the phone to his pocket, before he pulls Beckett fully into his arms and deposits a kiss to her upturned mouth.

When he releases her Kate is held speechless for a long moment by the sheer power of the look on his face. It's comprised somehow of equal parts love, nerves, joy and wonder. She finds herself unable to do anything else but stare into his eyes as his gaze grips her completely – he already owns her heart – the look on his face tells her he wants her soul as well. Beckett thinks she'll happily hand it over if he promises to look at her like that at least once a day, and she smiles up into his face, letting her eyes speak to him of her compliance.

"You ready Kate?" He asks, his voice a whisper of a caress.

Yeah." She nods back. "I'm ready." And she means it – whatever he has planned and on every level.

His mouth quirks up into his charming smile, and the intensity in his eyes lulls to simply love. He tucks her arm once more through his and heads them in the direction of Broadway.

Times Square is busy, as it always is at almost any hour night or day. In a city of five boroughs and over eight million people, it is a Mecca that draws both residents and tourists alike to its chaotic array of billboards, and video screens, and the theaters of 'The Great White Way' and 42nd street.

They wander through the mass of people congregating for dinner and shows, the tourists taking pictures of everything and Kate smiles as she watches Castle watch 'people'. He's like a sponge with details, soaking up the minutia of accents and atmosphere, clothing, lighting, even the smells and the garbage. His talent for it lends his books that grounding quality, that 'real-world' feel, that places his reader right there in the moment he's created, seeing and hearing and experiencing it all for themselves - and its an ability that comes to him as naturally as breathing.

She told him once that he was born to tell stories – that it was his destiny to be what he is. And as that thought goes through her mind once more now, she's struck by a companion one - that 'they' were also destined to be. Him and her – also fated, and the way she sees it now, while a cruel twist of it took away her mother – a benevolent twist of it gave her back salvation in the form of a man whose love and constancy would be the greatest gift of her life.

For so long in her head she fought even the idea of loving him while her heart simultaneously fell hard, fell fast and fell permanently. There is lesson in all they've endured to get here, and for her it's that when it comes to him, her heart can be the only thing she listens too.

He stops on the sidewalk suddenly and her inner meanderings are instantly silenced by the way he turns to her expectantly. Castle adjusts her position in front of him, pauses to take a deep breath as his blue eyes fall closed for a moment, he re-opens them, and then he begins.

"I want you to know that I've waited a lifetime to get to this moment Kate. This moment when I could stand in front of my future and feel like everything was perfectly in place; that there was nothing missing, nothing lacking, that all I ever needed was sitting in the palm of my hand. All my life the idea of you existed – that there was someone I was connected too. Someone who would force me to be better, go farther, reach higher, someone who possessed a magic about them because their heart was a mirror for mine.

And though you may not believe me – you came along, came into my life right when you were needed the most – I was drowning Kate – and suddenly there was dry land."

The writer pauses, takes her hand in his and runs the other one through his hair.

"But dry land can be overwhelming when you've been lost at sea, and while my heart recognized you instantly for the miracle you are Kate, the longer we were partnered the more parts of me started to slip away, back into to the ocean – convinced I could never be worthy of you – that you could never need me as profoundly as I needed you. And it's taken these last months, the coma, the therapy – all of it, all of that experience for me to realize that what you are to me – so I am to you. That we had both been drowning in our own separate ways, that we are equally worthy of finding love and that together we truly stand whole. And I never want to lose that Kate, I want to stand, together with you – always."

Beckett's eyes are misting and she blinks furiously to clear her vision, she tries to etch the memory of this, of exactly what he's saying and exactly how he looks into her recall.

"Me too." She tells him and Castle smiles softly, before he continues.

"So now that's been said – we come to the reason that you and I are standing here in Times Square when we were supposed to be snuggling and ordering take-out."

"Your surprise?" The detective says with a quirk of her eyebrows – the writer grins smugly and then nods excitedly like a little boy before he replies. Kate's heart skips a beat in her chest – he's just so freaking adorable when he does that.

"Turn around Detective." He tells her, the gravelly tone suddenly all-man again.

Beckett rotates her position until she's facing the opposite direction and finds herself staring directly at No.1 Times Square, home of the famous New Years Eve 'Ball Drop', below which lays the huge Toshiba digital billboard. And for what must be the first time since it was installed, the billboard is a blank black slate, so essentially Kate finds herself staring at 'nothing'?

Momentarily confused, she's about to turn back around and ask Castle what exactly she's supposed to be looking at, when he steps close behind her, the warmth of him coming to rest all along her spine. His strong arms wrap around her waist and his chin rests on her shoulder so that he can whisper directly in her ear.

"Just wait." He says quietly. "Wait and watch."

Nothing happens for about another twenty seconds and then the screen jumps to life, huge red words scrolling across the dark expanse.

_Coming . . . soon . . . New York Times Best-selling author 'Richard Castle' presents his longest, most complex novel to date . . . Everlasting Heat._

"You changed the name of the book . . . ?" Kate starts to say, but Castle shushes her with a rapid –

"I did. Just watch Kate."

The last letter of the text scrolls away and from the base of the billboard, slowly rising upwards the cover art for Castle's new book is revealed. The three prior novels have had a universal theme – a black silhouette of a lone woman with a gun - Nikki Heat – set against a backdrop tied into the murder she's investigating in each novel. The cover art for this book is a definite variation on that theme. Gone is the lone figure, Nikki's silhouette is there, but this time she has company. The base color behind the figures is a deep burnt orange, and Nikki stands within the circle of Rook's arms, her profile looking up at him as his looks down at her. The reporter is holding a notepad and a pen behind her back, and one of Nikki's hands holds a gun pointed at some unseen threat as she protects the man she's embracing. Castle's name appears in large white letters as ever at the top, and beneath the figures the title glows – the color of flames.

Beckett 'gets' the philosophy of it instantly. Nikki Heat and Jameson Rook are now 'equals', because this book isn't a story about Nikki that includes her relationship with Rook, this novel is a story about the two of them; about their unorthodox partnership, about solving murder, about marriage.

It's a fictional representation of a real-life shift.

It's perfect – and it's them.

"So tell me what you think?" Castle's voice requests at her ear.

"I love it. I love everything about it." The detective tells him.

Castle turns her to face him, as the billboard now behind her begins to go through the cycle again. She thinks the nervousness is back in his eyes as he takes her hand in his and motions to someone behind her to come forward.

A bicycle messenger hands the writer a rectangular padded envelope, waves off the tip Castle is reaching into his pocket for, and disappears into the crowd again as suddenly as he came.

Castle hands the envelope to Kate.

"Open it." He instructs her, letting her hand go so she can do as he asks.

Unable to help herself, Beckett feels the envelope thoroughly first, it's a book – she'd bet her badge on it. And considering the billboard behind her is showing the cover art for his latest novel, it only makes sense that in her hands she's holding an advance copy – and it's certainly larger in size than the final version will be – just like the advance copies she had of Heat Wave and Naked Heat were.

"Kate – just open it." The writer says with an impatient smile, yep, definitely nervousness clouding his sapphire gaze.

Beckett rips the end clean off the envelope, gleeful fingers dig inside for the contents and as she pulls it free of its manila confinement her suspicions are confirmed – she now holds Castle's massive novel in her hands.

Her fingers walk reverently over the cover, as she studies the artwork in more detail. The silhouettes bear an uncanny resemblance to herself and her partner – and she's certain that's very deliberately so. Wondering suddenly if this copy includes a dedication she goes to open the book only to have Castle stop her, he stills her fingers with his own.

"Wait. Before you open it I have to ask you something Kate."

The cop looks up into her partner's face, he looks really, really nervous now, and serious – deadly serious.

"Castle what's wrong?" She asks him concerned.

A weak attempt at a smile flashes briefly over his handsome features; he takes a deep breath – and then another one for good measure.

"Absolutely nothing." He says – and she can hear the truth of it in his tone.

"Then why can't I open the book?" She says.

"Question first. Remember?" The writer replies.

"So ask me." Beckett beseeches.

"A large chunk of this you've already read. When I was lost inside my own subconscious, and you were searching for a way to reach me – you read these words and I know you understood the reason I was writing them." He begins.

Kate nods. "You were trying to show me what we should have had. All we could be – through Nikki and Rook."

Castle smiles genuinely. "Exactly. Because after all – they _are_ us, their adventures might come from my imagination Kate – but they didn't. This book had a purpose, I had a purpose beyond trying to keep myself sane, and that purpose was to reach you – through the only method I could – my writing. I knew you would read it, would understand it – would know that what I wanted most for us is what I'd given to Nikki and Rook – lasting love and unswerving commitment. Marriage."

Beckett nods, cannot contain the crazy-in-love smile that breaks across her beautiful face.

The author feels a matching one break over his own, and taking another deep breath to try and calm the frantic racing of his heart he tells her –

"I can tell by looking at your face Detective that you want to know if there is a dedication in this copy of the book – and there is. And though to anyone else the dedication is not a question – to you Kate – to you it _is _a question. The most important one I can ask. So open the book – and answer me."

Kate swallows around the lump lodged in her throat and as her partner releases her hands, freeing her to open the novel; she does so – suddenly clumsy fingers searching for the right page. She finds it and the page seems to suddenly be a blinding white, the letters the blackest black imaginable. The words – etch themselves – tattoo themselves to her eyes.

_To Kate Castle – Always. _

_R.C_

Eyes shining with unshed tears she looks up from the page and into Castle's eyes.

And she laughs – free – ecstatic, and then she answers him.

"Hell yes."

He's on her in a fraction of a second, kissing her, spinning her, laughing with her. For long moments they are the only people in the world, and then the author sets her on her feet, and pulls a small box that Kate recognizes from his inside jacket pocket. He takes her right hand and places it on her palm, flips it open, reveals what she knew was there – Nikki's ring – no – _her _ring. He takes the book back from her before she drops it, and shoves it under his arm so he can take the ring from its velvet pillow.

Kate raises her left hand, holds it out to him, the tears finally spilling from her eyes when he slides the diamond band all the way home.

"Just to be sure – you did just agree to be my wife?" Castle asks, all trace of nervousness gone from his face – only love and joy remains.

Beckett rolls her eyes the way he _knew_ she would.

She holds her hand up – watches admiringly as the diamonds glint and sparkle as they catch the neon lights, before she grabs his lapels and pulls him to her, smiling up into his face she says,

"Shut up Castle – and kiss me."


	20. Basking

**A/N: Last chapter folks. Only an epilogue to go – it's been an amazing ride for me – you guys have been fantastic in your responses to this story. My sincere thanks to you all.**

**Chapter Twenty: **Basking.

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><p>The early morning light filters through the blinds of Castle's bedroom to find Beckett biting her lip to keep a lid on her smile as she finally understands Castle's propensity to sit staring at her sometimes. She's been propped up on her elbow, head in her hand, just watching him sleeping for at least twenty minutes – and while she would have thought that she's had enough of staring at him with his eyes closed to last her forever – that apparently is not the case.<p>

Not when they're sharing a bed – the both of them as naked as the day they were born, and following a night filled with more passion – more fire – than she ever dreamed existed.

He's . . . God he's simply amazing – just WOW – amazing and he's all hers. So what if she likes looking at him!

Castle lies on his back his upper body exposed to her gaze, the crimson sheet lies across him, slung low - seductive on his hips like a well-worn pair of jeans. The temptation to wake him by doing more sinfully fun things to him burns in her stomach, but Kate forces herself to let him rest. His strength and his health have returned, but she cannot help but be mindful of overtaxing him – the trauma of his coma haunts her still and she thinks it probably will for a long while yet. More fodder for her nightmares.

Shifting her position to scoot just fractionally closer, the flash and sparkle of the diamonds encircling her ring finger draws her eye. Every time she studies the delicate, simple yet elegant design it stuns her anew – first - how well he knows her that he could create the perfection of this ring just for her, and second – that she's actually going to be his wife.

_His wife - his '_Kate Castle'.

The detective doesn't doubt that she'll go ahead and change her name once they're married, some things she's just that bit traditional about, and it's important because this is what Rick wants – she knows this without him needing to tell her – because his dedication said it all. And more importantly she wants it also – for herself – that unifying bond, that statement to the world at large that says - this is who I choose – this is where I stand.

This – Kate Castle – this is who I am.

She hardly dares to believe it – but then her eyes drift to her hand once more as the writer stirs, and the magic of her reality settles comfortably inside her. Kate has what she's wanted, who she's wanted – and somewhere she knows her mother is glad.

She watches his eyes open, blink – then search for her and she moves to lie fully against him, her breath catching in a gasp of surprise at the current that shoots down every vein as her skin makes contact.

His face splits into an adoring smile. "Good morning." And her answering one is brighter than any she's bestowed on him before – the familiar greeting sounds insanely seductive as it falls from his lips.

"Hi." She replies, the word coming out her mouth sounding almost shy – which is crazy she thinks because there isn't an inch of her he isn't intimately acquainted with now. Her stomach erupts with nerves and butterflies – and she tells herself _its Castle_ – but that's just it – ITS CASTLE – and suddenly she's giggling like she's nine years old.

It's contagious apparently because he instantly joins her, even as he asks,

"What's so funny?"

"Us." Kate answers. "I mean – how crazy are we that we missed out on so much time when we could have been doing – you know." She says with a look.

The author's brow rises. "You mean mind-numbing, earth shattering, soul-wrenching sex?"

Beckett giggles again. "Yeah." She breathes finally. "That." She drops her head onto the broad expanse of his chest and sighs contentedly.

Castle wraps his arms tightly around her before he kisses the top of her hair. "Well I guess laughing about it is better than crying. But I see your point – we are both monumentally stupid it would appear." He pauses, and then shifts, pulling her up and on top of him so that he can look up into her face.

"I'll make it up to you – every – single – wasted – moment." He says, punctuating his words with kisses to the tip of her nose.

"Ahhh, but Rick . . . I think most of the fault is mine – it should be the other way around." Kate tells him.

The writer looks wistful. "You made it up to me the moment you said 'yes' Kate. In that moment – you made every single dream of mine come true."

Kate's eyes drift to the nightstand next to the bed, where her advance copy of 'Everlasting Heat' resides and suddenly her head is full of questions.

"How did you pull this off Castle? I mean I knew you'd completed the re-working of the novel in record time, but the editing – the artwork – the billboard? In those six weeks – as well as therapy and physiotherapy, that's – seriously, how is that possible?" She asks.

"Never underestimate the motivation that 'you' are to me Kate. For you, to be with you – even the impossible is possible." He replies.

"Come on Castle – I know there's a story there – how did you do this?" She begs.

Smiling again he concedes. "The writing was easy, once I'd figured out moving the proposal to the end of the book. I've never had anything come that easily before actually. It wasn't work at all – it was just – it was just all there." He explains. "The editing was rushed – like very rushed. I think in the end Gina had a team of four working on sets of chapters each."

Kate feels herself pale a little – twinges in her stomach gnaw at her – a gut reaction to the mention of his ex-wife that she cannot seem to control and her face telegraphs to him though she says nothing.

The slight tightening of her jaw and the suddenly guarded expression completely give her away – he hates to see this reaction in her – this uncertainty – so he kisses it away. Kisses her passionately, kisses her breathless, kisses her until she's so aware of him, and of his bodies reaction to her that all thoughts are pushed away - and then he exerts the tenuous control he's been ruthlessly holding and pulls back.

"Gina was great." He tells her. "At getting this done for _you_, Kate. Once I told her what I wanted to do she helped me move heaven and earth to get it done. She's happy for me – for us. But if you want me to cut ties with her professionally I will – I won't allow the past to cause any more problems between us."

His blue eyes are so earnest and clear – such honestly shining in them that Kate forces her hang-ups away and she shakes her head. "No – you don't have to do that Castle."

"You're sure?" He asks.

Kate nods. "I'm sure I'll get over the tiny bout of possessiveness I feel whenever her name is mentioned. You were _her _husband once Rick – I've always known that."

Castle narrows his eyes at her. His intuition tells him there is more that she isn't saying.

"Spill it." He says softly.

Kate cringes. "You can't just let it go?" She asks.

The writer shakes his head. "No more secrets – we agreed. This is supposed to be a fun sharing of how I pulled off the 'best-damn-proposal-ever' and suddenly when I mention my editor – who just happens to be my ex-wife – the woman who _will be_ my wife get's this look – that screams – hell I don't even know what to call that look Kate. So spill it."

Kate sighs. "Remember Demming?" She asks.

It's Castle's jaw that tightens this time. "How could I forget?" He replies. "Although to be honest, watching you with him was nothing compared to suffering through your relationship with Josh. I was still trying valiantly to remain 'in denial' about being in love with you at the whole period you were seeing Demming – by the time you were with Josh all of my illusions on that score were long gone. You must know you were the reason I ended things again with Gina."

Beckett nods. "I knew. I tried really hard to ignore the fact that I knew – and that I was happy I knew – but, yeah – anyway back to Tom."

"What about him?"

"You asked me to come with you to the Hamptons – remember? And I turned you down because I had already agreed to go away with Tom. Out of no-where you drop this bomb on me - tell me we are working your last case for a while – that you are going to the Hamptons all summer to finish your book and it hits me – it hits me hard Castle – that I really don't want you to go. I was so afraid you would never come back, and I realized if I felt that strongly – what the hell was I seeing Tom for?"

Castle looks hurt and so she kisses him – stops time for long moment – tries to wipe the hurt from his face. "Why am only hearing this now?" He asks quietly.

"I'm trying to explain my ingrained reaction to the mention of Gina." Kate responds.

The writer nods but frowns, trying to make the connection.

"I broke up with Tom before you left that summer Castle. I was going to ask you if you still wanted me to come with you . . . but before I could say anything . . . ."

"Gina showed up at the precinct! Jesus Kate – you're telling me we really came _that_ close?"

She kisses him again with abandon – figures it's better than nodding miserably.

When he breaks free and then starts laughing again Kate stares at him surprised.

"How is that funny Castle?"

"It's not. But I'd much rather laugh about it – naked in my bed with my fiancee in my arms, than cry about what could have been. And who knows Kate – where we are right now – the path we've both had to travel to get here – I think we've just fortified ourselves so strong that nothing – nothing – can tear us down."

The green-eyed detective smiles.

"You're right. So tell me the rest and I promise to make my peace with the idea of Gina."

Castle looks sheepish.

"Just promise not to hit me when I tell you that to get the billboard space I had to get Paula to use every connection she has – as well as a sum of money the size of which you really don't want to know about."

Beckett stares at him aghast. "Pa….Paula. Rick . . . she was responsible for the lie that almost killed you." She states horrified. "I'll never forgive her for that – and neither should you."

The writer cups Kate face in his hands. "Shhh baby. She owed us – I collected. It's done. Getting what I wanted out of her, so that I could ask you the way I dreamed – it was entirely worth it Kate. And I've severed ties with her now – I have a new agent – a guy – name of Andrew Marlowe – he's great – you'll love him."

Castle kisses her again – and again. "Just confess that my proposal was the greatest one ever- and then I'll make love to you." He whispers against her mouth as his lower body shifts against her. Pure voltage shoots down all her veins again, God she wants him. Again. And she'll never stop.

"We have to go to work." She protests lamely.

"Tell me first, sex next, and then work. . . .Tell me Katherine." His pleading eyes and sinful mouth will be her undoing. And it was amazing - how he asked her - she can just tell him.

"It was the most perfect proposal in the history of proposal's Castle. Truly Rick – I'll never forget a moment of it, or anything that you said to me." Beckett concedes.

"You can't wait to tell everyone – am I right?" He grins - smugly - but she detects the smugness is all show.

She's about to retort with – 'no that would be you writer-man', but it would be a lie – she's as excited to share their news as he obviously is.

"We tell Lanie first – we will never hear the end of it if we don't." She answers.

"Agreed. Now tell me you want me Kate – tell me how much." Actually it's his voice that's her undoing, – it's his voice every time. What he says, how he says it - it might be the first part about him that she fell in love with.

"More than anything Castle – more than anyone – ever." Kate tells him honestly.

The writer smiles, "Not ever Kate – always."


	21. Epilogue

**A/N: So we are all done. Hope you enjoy this last little bit - and I hope to see you all again next time.  
><strong>

**EPILOGUE.**

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><p>They married three months later in the same tiny Connecticut church that Kate's parents did. The idea was Castle's – his way of gifting Kate with a tiny piece of her mother on her wedding day. A sunny spring Saturday, they packed the century old white wooden church to capacity and beyond with family, friends and co-workers. Lanie and Alexis were bridesmaids and Maddy catered, Javier and Kevin both stood up for Castle – and everything about it was perfect.<p>

Beckett is always beautiful – it's impossible for her not to be – just the combination of her height, build and facial features is enough. But on the day she actually _became_ Kate Castle, she was more radiantly stunning than he'd seen her at any point before – and it wasn't the dress – as beautiful as it was. It wasn't the hair and flawless make-up, the difference was all in her eyes – and her smile. In her demeanor, and the relaxed set of her shoulders, the confident line of her jaw. Jim Beckett said it best – '_Katie's no longer afraid to be happy'._ And it was the truth – she wasn't.

'Everlasting Heat' hit the bookstores on the same day – amid stunning reviews and record sales it made the bestseller list instantly and never looked back. Black Pawn practically begged Rick to extend the 'Nikki Heat' series with another three book deal worth double the original one – so the newly-weds discussed it and Castle agreed. After all – he now lived _and_ worked with his muse so it was a no-brainer in the end. He began work on 'Heat Kills' right after the honeymoon and ended up with an even larger novel than the prior one.

A year after the wedding Kate was promoted to Lieutenant, and then discovered she was pregnant six months later.

James Malcolm Castle was born in the fall – or as Rick likes to call him 'Mini-Me'.

Jamie was followed by Johanna the following year, and then two years passed before finally baby Richard – known always as 'Richie' made three.

To say motherhood suited Kate would be an insult to understatements, the same statement applies with regards to the Castle's being a happy family – and they made it look effortless. When asked, Rick would simply say it was because of the foundation they stood upon – his love for Kate and hers for him. From there all rivers flowed, and as that love was bottomless the river never ran dry.

They were sickening to witness really – except that all those watching them knew what it had taken for them to get there, and instead of being jealous they found a source of inspiration. If Kate and Rick could do it – so could they – it was like their contentment was a seriously infectious disease – and if they came into contact with you – so it spread.

Kate made Captain – and got handed the Twelfth no less - the same week Rick turned fifty – so he took her to Paris – for lunch – to celebrate, and on the top of the Eiffel Tower they renewed their vows. It was cheesy and romantic and they did what they always do when they are together – they had FUN!

Alexis married a Detective from Kate's precinct in the summer of the following year – Castle always did say '_like father like daughter' – _and Kate's noticed over their years together that her husband has a freaky way of being right.


End file.
